IN his hilarious letter (HAS, May 1) about mystery lights, Christopher Wardell tells us that he hopes aliens have not come to take him away. I wish they would, preferably to a planet in a distant galaxy that is moving away from us at almost the speed of light. – Dave Cook, Sacriston.

TONY KELLY thinks I may be of extra terrestrial origin, and that if I am, it may account for quite a lot (HAS, 7th May).

Sorry to disappoint you Tony, dude, but my birth certificate states I was born in Darlington Greenbank Hospital on May 23, 1972, which proves that I am indeed an Earthling.

I am not surprised Mr Kelly thinks I may be of alien origin though, as I often stand in my garden beckoning alien life forms to visit Earth by yelping at the skies like a demented yodler, while performing a manic dance routine that was all the rage in German discoteques in the late Eighties.

Tony can join me any time he wishes to, as long as he brings a chilled bottle of wine and a framed photograph of Jimmy Savile. – Christopher Wardell, Darlington.