IT was grandad who said: “I don’t want a funeral, just a simple send-off”. I said: “Well, the dustbin man is due on Tuesday so that’s you sorted, all you have to do is choose… blue or green?”

So he said: “Well, what with my glass eye, false teeth, plastic hips and wooden leg, I think that I had better plump for the blue”.

So that’s what we did.

Unfortunately the binmen were not having any of it. They said glass does not go in the blue bin – or wood.

So we did what some of the funeral directors have been doing for years and took his eyes out, (both just to be sure).

As for his wooden leg, we took that off and burned it at the bottom of the garden.

I do so wish that we hadn’t, as every time the binmen come, the ghost of poor grandad can be seen hot footing it over the garden wall!

Grandad didn’t leave any money. He gave what little he had to injured and neglected horses (mind he didn’t know that they were like that when he bet on them).

R Tomlinson, Seaham.