WHEN I go shopping, I head to Croydon, just south of London, because it’s close, has some decent CD shops and boasts a sleek tram to glide me there in comfort.

Sorry if that description sets your teeth on edge, given that the Tees Valley is still waiting for its Metro – after 30 years – and is, arguably, further away from it than ever, given the dire state of the nation’s finances.

But it is a good starting point to ponder whatever happened to Labour’s grand tenyear Transport Plan – unveiled exactly ten years ago, but now largely in tatters.

Ah, those were heady days, back in 2000, when transport was under the control of the powerful John Prescott, who had a real passion for tackling the crisis of road congestion.

Three years earlier, he had declared: “I will have failed if, in five years’ time, there are not many more people using public transport and far fewer journeys by car. It’s a tall order, but I urge you to hold me to it…”

Now, he had £180bn to dish out over the decade – and was clearly rejecting the nonsense that transport problems can be solved by building yet more roads.

The plan was for 20 towns and cities to bring in congestion charging, or a levy on parking at work, and for no fewer than 25 gleaming light rail schemes across the land.

“It was an incredibly exciting period – it was a revolution,” remembered Professor David Begg, now chairman of The Northern Way transport group, in a recent BBC interview.

Then came the fuel protests of late 2000 when angry truckers came close to bringing Britain to a grinding halt, scaring Tony Blair and Gordon Brown witless.

Meanwhile, Mr Prescott, whose office shelves groaned under the weight of model ships and trains, was shunted into the sidings, later to complain that his successors at transport lacked “the same conviction”.

Hence, ten years on, only London has introduced congestion charging – Manchester voted no decisively – although Nottingham plans a workplace parking levy from next year.

But what of those 25 tram schemes – akin to my smooth Croydon shopping experience?

A recent parliamentary answer revealed there are... six (three of which are in the London area).

Meanwhile, the Tees Valley is getting £34m for extra trains and better stations, but everybody knows the remaining £186m – for the tram – is a pipe dream, whoever wins the General Election.

So, clear failure then? No, said Transport Minister Sadiq Khan, insisting the 25 figure was merely “indicative”, adding: “This was neither a target nor a commitment.”

IT’S the conclusive proof that he’s “heir to Blair” – the delicate way that David Cameron holds a pint glass.

Take a peek at last week’s pictures of the Conservative leader, when he was boasting about being a Guinness and darts fan, and then remember Tony treating France’s President Chirac to a pint and supper at The County pub, in Aycliffe, County Durham.

There are the same two fingers on the glass – the maximum number that can be placed on a wine glass – not the full-handed wrap-around of someone practised in drinking an ale.

Are we about to elect a Prime Minister who just doesn’t know how to hold a pint?

Again!