Amazing face

I'M not saying Amanda Davies was chosen as the latest victim, sorry volunteer, on Ten Years Younger just because she's a former Navy Wren, but her former occupation enables the programme to milk endlessly seafaring terms as the mother-of-five gets a makeover.

Even Amanda joins in. "Are we moving forward?"

she's asked. "At a rate of knots,"

replies new-look Amanda.

Only duty kept me on board. I'd have happily abandoned ship long before the makeover was complete.

There wasn't much doubt that Amanda would emerge at the end of the hour as a new woman as she had the services I assume C4 was picking up the bill - of a cosmetic surgeon, dentist, hairdresser, make-up artist and presenter Nicky Hambleton-Jones to achieve the transformation.

The programme is all about the belief that "we all want to look young and glamorous".

None of that waffle about feeling happy and contented from the inside, this is all about appearances.

So Amanda has to be humiliated first by taking her out in the street and asking passers-by to guess her age. Replies range from 40 to 56.

Amanda is actually 38 but having and caring for five c h i l d r e n have taken their toll. So have her love of roll-ups (that's her s m o k i n g h a b i t s not her l o v e l i f e ) and 20 cups of s w e e t t e a e v e r y day.

S h e looks, in t h e words of one observer, a bit weary. Small wonder with five youngsters to care for. And her penchant for buying clothes from charity shops don't help her appearance. "Cheap isn't always chic,"

points out Nicky, oblivious to the fact that not everybody can afford designer outfits.

Amanda has let herself go, with no time or inclination for "girlie maintenance". To make her feel really bad, Nicky shows some other, better preserved 38-year-olds - Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Gwen Stefani.

The "turn back time" team swings into action nipping and tucking (brow lift, eyebag removal, full face lift, chemical peel, nose job), drilling and filling teeth, cutting and colouring hair, and buying a new wardrobe.

What tips can I pass on to anyone out there in need of freshening up?

Well, I can tell you that you can "brighten up your bust with bustles" and a decent hair job can take a blonde from dirty to flirty.

Admittedly, the result is pretty amazing.

Amanda really does look like a different woman. In those days of TV fakery, you'd almost think they'd swapped her for someone else.

Some of the subjects of The World's Fattest Pet And Me could do with a makeover. They are - not to beat about the bush - fat.

Mark Dolan, following documentaries about tall women and short men, had a bad start to his heavy petting.

He goes to see the heaviest dog in the US, Hercules, only to discover he's dead. The 20 stone pooch died 18 months ago, which does not say much for Dolan's researchers sending him to see a deceased dog.

Every dog has his day - and this wasn't Hercules'. His owner, bodybuilder John, has not recovered from his canine companion's death, leading Dolan to the conclusion that his film is going to be as much about the owners as the pets.

Gibson is a Great Dane - a very Great Dane, a Greater Dane you might say - who stands 7ft 2in on two legs. He enjoys his fame, having recently written his first book. Dolan looks as puzzled as I do. How can a dog write a book? Of course he can't because he can't hold a pencil, owner Sandy tells us. But he can tell her what to write down. The phrase barking mad comes to mind.

It gets worse when we learn Gibson has a stalker, a "very scary lady", who follows him around. Just as you're about to dismiss this as nonsense, the stalker drives by, shouting things from her car. After Dolan's visit, she was served with an injunction to stay away from Gibson.

Animal lovers are a strange breed. Ray and Julie treat their great Great Dane like a child, to the extent of having a baby alarm in his room so they can hear him downstairs at night. There's also a shot of Ray wiping his dog's bottom, which is taking poop scoop duties too far.