Christmas TV

ONE of the photographs from ITV1's comedydrama, Christmas At The Riviera, shows actor Warren Clarke, wearing a Christmas cracker paper hat, looking thoroughly miserable.

He reminds me of a TV critic contemplating watching the seasonal offerings on the box.

How fed up I am with programmes that have had the word Christmas forcibly attached to them and a few strands of tinsel hanging from the title.

I can't take any more specials which are anything but - special. And if I have to see another celebrity chef stuffing a turkey as he demonstrates how to have stress-free Christmas (unless you're a turkey), I'll throw up.

Casting aside this bah humbug attitude, I must look for the good in the schedules. Alas, you'll find little but gloom and doom in the soaps. Christmas is when matters come to a head. Not so much the season of goodwill but the season of illwill. Secrets will out once the booze has been flowing at family celebrations.

The Brannings learn about Max's affair with daughter-in-law Stacy in East- Enders, while schoolgirl Rosie's extracurriculum sex education lessons with her teacher are revealed in Coronation Street. In Emmerdale, the Sugden's marriage finally collapses. Never mind, it'll be one less Christmas card to send next year.

Christmas At The Riviera offers the chance to see other people having a miserable time, which may cheer you up no end. This comes from the writer-director duo, Mark Bussell and Justin Sbresni, who made The Worst Week comedies. So expect the worst Christmas ever.

Reece Shearsmith's harassed assistant manager is determined to ensure that guests have the best Christmas ever at his seaside hotel. That seems unlikely as they include an adulterious vicar, randy man-eater, and a man with his wife's ashes in an urn he's guarding closely.

More bad behaviour in Most Shocking Celebrity Moments of the 80s/90s if you can bear to watch such horrors as Samantha Fox and Mick Fleetwood presenting The Brits, Rob Lowe's sex tape, and Michael Jackson's short-lived marriage to Lisa Marie Presley.

TV talent shows went in a different direction as they auditioned to find leading performers for West End productions of The Sound Of Music and Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

The wanabees from How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? and Any Dream Will Do reassemble to sing over old times in When Joseph Met Maria. The main spotlight will be on winners Lee Mead and Connie Fisher, both now starring on the London stage.

This year's Strictly Come Dancing series has been one of the best, but how do the dancers compare to previous competitors?

Strictly Come Dancing Special finds out by pitting four of the current crop against previous winners - and both cricketers - Mark Ramprakash and Darren Gough.

With successful versions on TV in the US and beyond as well as a stage show about to start a UK tour, Strictly has become a profitable brand for the BBC.

Unwisely perhaps, the BBC reminds us what Christmas comedy used to be like in The Comedy Christmas, which won't win any prizes for originality in its title but does contains classic clips from a range of seasonal hits. They include, predictably enough, Morecambe and Wise and Only Fools And Horses.

If it's old comedy you want, be aware that ITV3 is devoting the whole of Christmas Day to showing The Two Ronnies.

The big comedy hope this year is a revival of To The Manor Born, last on screens in 1981. Penelope Keith and Peter Bowles return, although details of the story are being kept under wraps.

An excerpt shown on Breakfast Time had Bowles' character saying he'd just run over a badger and being rewarded with a big laugh from the studio audience.

I hope that's not a sign of the standard of humour.

The Queen gets in first with her Christmas Day message before historian David Starkey considers the relevance and future of the monarchy in a C4 programme on Boxing Day. Afterwards, ITV1 peeps behind the scenes of HM's annual TV show to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the first televised Christmas message in Lights! Camera!

The Queen.

Like the Queen, Doctor Who is a regular Christmas Day visitor in our homes.

This year he has the Titanic and Kylie Minogue to deal with in a disaster movie in space.

No preview DVDs were available so I've only the endless trailers to go by. But hopes are high with Russell T Davies, the man who's so successfully revived the Time Lord's fortune, writing the script in which the Tardis collides with the Titanic.

Doctor Who's comeback has been amazing, and just as successful as that of James Bond in the person of Daniel Craig. His first outing as 007, Casino Royale, is showing on Sky Movies Premiere on Christmas Day for those who haven't been shaken and stirred enough by too much turkey and booze.