Fish 'n' flips

NOW I've seen everything. Notably, a bee race and goldfish playing football, followed by a spot of squirrel fishing. And next week, pigs might fly.

Scoff not, I've seen all these animal apparitions (except the flying pigs) in the new series, Will Work For Nuts, which isn't a reality series about poorly-paid regional journalists but animals doing stunts or, as the makers would have it, showing off their natural talents.

Professional animal trainer Lloyd Buck, animal watcher Matt Thompson and technical whizz James Cooper are the trio exploiting these creatures for our entertainment. No animals were harmed in the making the programme, although viewers' credulity may take a bit of a knocking.

Goldfish football was the most successful to my mind, although I couldn't help thinking goldfish would be better suited to playing pool. Fish, as I'm sure you realise, can't kick around a ball because they lack vital components - legs and feet. But, and I didn't believe this until I saw it with my own eyes, they can be trained to play football.

The incentive is that old favourite for animal training, the food bribe. Matt spent a month training two aquatic George Bests in fish tanks.

Amazingly, fishy Thierry Henry and Peter Crouch (the names he gave his footballing fish) do manage to flip a small ball the length of the tank, sorry pitch, and score goals. The England manager may want to take a look at the fishy talent swimming around our ponds.

Bee racing works like pigeon racing, although you could get stung rather than pecked. Three bees are selected and marked with a pen, put in automatic pet feeders which are placed at three sites the same distance from the hive.

They're released at the same time and first one home is declared the winner.

Would they be distracted by the opportunity to collect pollen or make a beeline from home? The camera offers a bee's eye view of their 4mph journey. Matt's white bee is first back, covering the three miles in 41 minutes and 40 seconds. Even more amazing is the fact that he's able to locate his bee among the thousands in the hive.

"No one is going to believe that," he says, taking the words out of my mouth.

As for squirrel fishing, this involves tying a nut (preferably not one of your own) to a piece of string, dangling it in front of a passing squirrel and hoping it will hold on to it while you lift it off the ground.

The problem is that squirrels are far more intelligent than humans playing silly games for the TV cameras. They chew through the string and steal the nut without their paws leaving the ground.

Will Work For Nuts is fun, which is more than can be said for The Green Green Grass, the Only Fools And Horses spin-off now entering its third series. I'd put this in the same place as The Vicar Of Dibley and My Family - the dustbin.

But Is It Art? is the subtitle of the opener and the programme certainly can't be classed as art, although the studio audience find it hilarious. The art in question is a portrait.

Boycie, the used car salesman turned country gentleman, fancies having a picture painted of himself to reflect his new-found status.

He gets one painted by a local artist, Genevieve Clung, who's more used to painting cows. "I look like Saddam Hussain's backward brother," he observes, when he gets over being gobsmacked and finds words to express his horror.

She gives him a particularly horrible moustache.

Understandable in the circumstances.

"Moustaches aren't her fortes, cows don't have moustaches," he's told.

There is also much fun (allegedly) at the expense of Brian and Elgin who share a caravan and are the butt of many a gay joke that, quite honestly, you thought had been deemed unsuitable years ago.

Boycie is a snob, the locals are yokels.

"Marlene," he tells his wife, "these are country people, they eat mice and sleep in ditches."

That makes them lucky - they don't have to watch comedy shows like The Green Green Grass.