Rough justice

If you've missed a few episodes of a series, you have to hope that the "previously on..." segment before the programme proper will make everything crystal clear. Alas, all the rushing about and rapid-fire talk on the preamble to The Shield left me hopelessly confused. It has something to do with Vic being in the clear and a female witness being protected.

"Why am I trusting you?" she asks Detective Vic (Phil Mitchell lookalike Michael Chiklis), proving that even she can't figure out what's going on.

What's in no doubt about The Shield is that it's rough, tough and potentially fatal being around these cops. Especially when Vic - middle name Maverick - is on a case.

"We need the truth. This thing is going to get a lot uglier before it gets better," says one wise person.

With Vic, things always get uglier. He has a novel, if unorthodox, method of enticing the protected girl's boyfriend out into the open. During a phone conversation, he tells the man that he will "rape and kill that bitch while you're listening" if he doesn't do as he's told.

He arranges a drop-off in Macarthur Park (the one where Richard Harris sang about the the cakes being left out in the rain). Then he organises a spot of torture for the person he holds responsible for the death of colleague.

"You killed my friend a week ago, tossed a grenade in his car," he tells his prisoner.

"I'm not saying anything without a lawyer," replies the accused, little realising that the due process of law isn't something with which Vic bothers a great deal.

He hands out his own rough justice. Very rough justice as he beats the man to a bloody pulp with a chain. But Vic's not without heart. He doesn't let the man suffer - he puts a bullet in him.

How much more civilised things are in Southampton where Nick Knowles and his team of handymen (and token woman) are being very laddish in DIY SOS as they help Paul, Sarah and daughter Caitlin do up their living room.

They've lived in the house for four years, but Paul had kidney failure and needed a transplant (he found a donor close to home in Sarah), so home decoration has had to take a back seat.

"I'd like it finished, or started even," says Sarah, surveying the bare brick living area. And when Caitlin says she'd like a fireplace so Santa can come at Christmas, soft-hearted Knowles can't resist helping out.

Neither can he resist mentioning his other work for the BBC and shows us his swollen arm, the result of an inoculation for a TV job in Borneo (where, as we saw last week in Save Planet Earth, he was called upon to do a spot of DIY on a water tank).

He tells his team he has something that's not contagious. "Can't you get that from badgers," suggests one of his helpers, though I really don't know what he imagines Knowles has been doing with badgers.

Back at the matter in hand, the DIY team has four days to transform the room into a lounge and dining area with a hint of Japanese styling.

As this appears to be neither a very big or very interesting job, the interplay between the workers takes precedence over home improvement tips.

One tells of meeting Van Gogh in the pub and asking if he wants a drink. To which the artist replies, "No, I've got one 'ere". Ear, geddit?

There are serious matters to be dealt with, like the couple finding out their house was going to fall down, but that doesn't stop the DIY SOS chaps being relentlessly jolly and jokey.

"Do you like yoga?" one worker is asked.

"I've had the strawberry one and the light one, they're better for you," comes the reply.

Try to contain your mirth. To think that the BBC axed Changing Rooms and not this makeover show.

The main DIY debate is over the colour of the paint. There are differing opinions whether it was peach or beige. Perhaps they should have stuck to magnolia.