The Sex Inspectors (C4); Relocation, Relocation (C4): THOSE cheeky sex inspectors had a Valentine's Day treat for Sally Ann and her younger lover Paul.

The programme began by telling us that 35 per cent of women would like to have a relationship with a younger man. This is bad news for the mature man like me because it means searching Darby and Joan Clubs and old people's homes to find that older women.

Sally Anne is 34 and Paul is 11 years her junior. He is "very tactile, very friendly" but his seduction technique, as sex inspector Tracey pointed out, was poor.

"This is not a way to seduce a woman - walk into the room, pull your pants down and wave your erection around," she suggested. And, having seen Paul do just that thanks to cameras hidden about their home, you had to agree that this lacked subtlety.

Not that Sally Anne wasn't a game girl. As an Ann Summers rep, she'd introduced Paul to a whole range of sex toys, some of which looked like offensive weapons.

Paul likes her to dress up in the bedroom. As she tried on long red rubber boots, she noted that "you could definitely go fishing in them".

Their idea of a good night at home was watching porn movies while eating a prawn curry. Or perhaps it was watching prawn movies while eating a porn curry. I confess I wasn't paying close attention after she put British Slappers Volume 2 in the video player.

Paul asked for sex every waking minute and, quite honestly, it was getting Sally Ann down. Again, Tracey made sense when she said: "If you're being pestered for sex 40 times a day, you have no time to build desire because you're constantly saying, 'no, no, no'."

The inspectors decided the answer was to banish all the sex toys and dressing up, and get back to basics.

They introduced the couple to tantric sex, including something called the phoenix thrust method which involved so much counting that you needed a maths A-level to get it right.

Sally Ann - "I've so much more to offer than PVC outfits" - introduced the idea of bartering sex for household chores. Emptying the bin earned him oral sex, while cutting the grass was worth a whole Kama Sutra of delights.

Chris and Karen's problem was finding somewhere to keep the pigs. In Relocation, Relocation, property experts Kirstie and Phil had to find the couple an English country home and a holiday home in Spain.

With £500,000 to spend in Lancashire, you thought this would've been easy. But banker Paul's change of lifestyle meant he needed space for a couple of pigs. Karen wanted to run a catering business from the kitchen, although it was unclear if this involved the pigs.

Commitment-phobe Chris really got on Kirstie's nerves, not with his porcine requests, but his refusal to compromise. "I'm not kidding, if he changes his mind, I'll kill him," she promised.