THE problem with the much-touted ‘Green Deal’ – launched this week, to lag lofts, fill cavity walls and cut energy waste – is that it doesn’t look like much of a deal.

I hope I’m wrong, but it is impossible to see the Government’s flagship scheme delivering the desperately-needed improvements to the nation’s leaky housing stock.

And the reason is the scheme appears to ignore basic human nature, which – let’s be honest here – is to put off difficult decisions unless someone is throwing cash at us.

To explain, the Green Deal is intended to provide the finance for home energy efficiency improvements, including spanking new boilers, that are otherwise too costly.

Homeowners will be able to take out 15 to 20-year loans for work – with the guarantee that repayments will be lower than the cost of the measures.

The bills will stay with the house, if the homeowner sells up. So, no personal risk, no up-front payments, guaranteed benefits for the person and the planet. What can go wrong?

Well, the problem can be clearly seen in the sorry tale of previous attempts to insulate homes in the North-East and North Yorkshire in recent years.

The number of families taking action plunged by 40 per cent in just three years, from around 78,000 in 2008-09 to 47,000 homes in 2011-12.

And that wasn’t because all the homes had been greened. Oh no, at that point the proportion insulated was below ten per cent in the likes of Hartlepool (7.6 per cent), Ryedale (8.5 per cent) and Darlington (9.8 per cent).

Instead, it appeared it was getting harder to find people willing to go through the hassle of getting workers in to rip up floorboards and drill into walls.

Yet, crucially, under the Carbon Emissions Reduction Target (CERT) scheme, the job was free. How will Green Deal assessors get through the door now a loan is required?

Furthermore, the interest rate charged will be almost seven per cent – calling into question the government’s golden rule that those taking part will always emerge as winners.

And the new scheme appears frighteningly bureaucratic. One critic said it involved a Green Deal assessor, to complete a Green Deal advisory report, to be lodged with a Green Deal provider, to devise a Green Deal plan – to be carried out by a Green Deal installer.

All that for a new boiler or some loft lagging. Oh, and did I tell you that an upfront payment of £100-£200 is required, please?

Was it a Freudian slip when, this week, Nick Clegg predicted that “thousands of homes” would benefit? That seems more plausible than the official target of 14m by 2020.

GENUINE wit is all too rare in the Commons bear pit – so congratulations to Alex Cunningham, the Stockton North MP, for bringing the House down.

At the weekend, little-known Adam Afriyie was outed as a putative stalking horse candidate should some Conservatives decide – heaven forbid – that David Cameron has to go.

Yesterday, Mr Cunningham rose to ask: “On the subject of food safety, can you confirm traces of stalking horse have been found in the Conservative Party food chain?” A defeated Mr Cameron replied: “I have to say you threw me completely with that ingenious pivot.”