Too clever for their own good

That's been the philosophy of this column throughout the 17 years I've been writing it.

There has always been great comfort in the camaraderie, the shared experiences, the injustice, and the understanding of what dads have to go through to survive.

And the balloon up the Dyson' incident, which I wrote about last time round, has proved to be no exception.

As you may recall, it was the balloon's fault - not mine. It happened while I was doing my usual Sunday morning spot of vacuuming, the day after my daughter's 16th birthday party.

I was nowhere near the balloon but it scooted across the carpet and got sucked into the inner workings of the Dyson, causing it to belch smoke, setting off the fire alarm, and rendering it suckerless.

My wife, as any wife would, immediately blamed me, suggesting that I should have been more careful in making sure there were no balloons in the vicinity.

With me locked securely in the doghouse, support arrived the next day in the form of fellow dad and Dyson expert Robert Bedford.

Robert, who's been repairing Dysons at his shop in Bishop Auckland for years, emailed to say he'd read about my troubles while he was having his tea and he wanted me to know there was no need to worry.

"Your problem is not unique," wrote Robert, soothingly. "It's something I see every day and is quick to fix."

He explained that when the balloon got sucked into the base of the machine, it would have jammed the brush roll, causing the belt to stick and begin to smoke before it snapped.

What was left of the balloon might well be stuck in the hose behind the brush, causing the machine to lose suction.

I couldn't help thinking how fantastic it was to have my own personal Dyson consultant as Robert went on to explain what to do (and I suggest to all dads that they cut out this bit and keep it case they ever get a balloon stuck up their Dysons):

* Simply remove the brush cover by quarter-turning the three screws

* Remove the brush and belt

* Remove the bits of balloon that may be stuck in there

* Fit a new belt, if required, and refit the parts in reverse order

Robert Bedford is such a decent chap that he even offered to drop off a new belt for me and told me to ring him if I had any problems.

I felt like I'd been cleansed by some kind of Dyson evangelist and I couldn't wait to get home so I could fix the problem and impress my wife who thinks I suck when it comes to DIY.

"I'm just going to fix the Dyson," I shouted, manfully, as I fished around in the garage for a screw-driver.

"Don't bother - I've done it myself,"

she shouted back, dismissively.

How dare she? How could she without expert advice? That's the problem with mums - they're too clever for their own good.

P.S. Desperate dads please note: Bedfords Appliance Care is at 163 Newgate Street, Bishop Auckland. It's been there for 37 years, not only repairing vacuums but sorting out washers, dryers and the like as well.

It's an oasis in a desert of despair.

Just tell Robert I sent you.

THE THINGS THEY SAY AWOMAN who was six months pregnant with her third child was getting ready for a shower when her three-yearold came into the room.

"Mummy, you are getting fat!" said the little girl.

"Yes, honey," replied the woman.

"Dont forget, Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," replied the girl, "but what's growing in your bum?"

A PRIMARY school teacher was reading the story of Chicken Licken to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Licken tries to warn the farmer by shouting: "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and replied instinctively: "Holy s**t! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.