THIS much I know about Christmas... There is no such thing as the perfect Christmas. It exists only in adverts and glossy magazines. And if it did exist it would – like the perfect mother – be extremely tedious.

❄ Snow is better on Christmas cards then out on the roads when you’ve got to do the shopping and get Granny.

❄ The lights on the tree always fail when the shops are shut.

❄ There’s always at least one row over Christmas. Don’t worry about it. Look upon it as part of the tradition. Like the Christmas Number One, you don’t have to like it, but it wouldn’t be Christmas without it.

❄ Fresh air helps a lot. Get grandad and the teenagers to take the toddlers out for half an hour. If they look as though they’re coming back too soon, lock the doors.

❄ If Santa puts sugar mice and chocolate and jelly beans in fouryear- old’s stocking, then Santa can jolly well come in and clear up the inevitable mess.

❄ You will have bought far too much.

❄ Sprouts are not compulsory.

❄ Neither is marzipan.

❄ Cheap crackers are more fun than expensive ones.

❄ No one’s too old for a Christmas stocking.

❄ Always have a secret stash of sticky tape.

❄ Keep enough wrapping paper for your children to wrap their presents to you.

❄ Traditional board games are a great idea. But if grandad’s asleep, granny’s had too much gin, the children are scratchy and teenagers sulky then this is not the time to unwrap a new game with fiddly pieces and complicated rules.

Keep it simple. Snakes and Ladders is about the limit. Especially if you’re playing with a wine glass in your hand.

❄ The last chocolate left in the box is a always coffee creme.

❄ Cooking your turkey on Christmas Eve removes a lot of the hassle – and hot fat – from Christmas Day. It also means you can have hot turkey sandwiches when you come in from the pub or church. Eating your leftovers first.

Brilliant or what.

❄ “Easy home assembly” is a lie.

Especially when you’ve been at the Baileys.

❄ No one knows more than one verse of any Christmas carol. After a few drinks they know only one line. Sadly, that doesn’t stop them.

❄ If your daughter’s boyfriend does not want to watch the Queen’s Christmas Message this does not make him a bad person.

❄ It’s A Wonderful Life is still the best Christmas film. And A Christmas Carol the best book.

❄ You can make your own stuffing from the finest organic ingredients, grate the apple, grind and chop the herbs, which you have grown yourself. But no one will really notice if you just tart up a packet from the supermarket. And it’s a lot less effort.

❄ If you forget the cranberry sauce, only your mother-in-law will notice. This will make her feel happy. Isn’t that the best present you can give her?

❄ It’s only one day. It’s only one meal. It is not life or death. Better beans on toast with a smile than Delia’s Perfect Dinner with a cook in tears.

❄ The more things go wrong, the more memorable it will be. And a great story for the family history.

Christmas is about people. Everything else is just trimmings, just stuff.

Relax – you might even enjoy it.

A BOTTLE of lemonade froze solid in the boot of the car as I was driving home. The letter box in the front door – with a nice hot radiator just feet away – froze so that the postman couldn’t open it. I can’t remember it ever being this cold, not even in 1981 or 1962.

Didn’t the Met Office promise us a mild winter?

■ SHOPS are already clearing the shelves ready for the sales. I’ve had press releases about Valentine’s Day, Easter and summer holiday cottages.

That’s right. It must be Christmas.

A good excuse to stay put

SNOW go? Might be the best news yet for many.

For all those thousands of people wretched because they’re stranded by snow there are many others who are – quietly, surreptitiously, possibly guiltily – heaving sighs of relief.

Being snowed in could be the answer to their prayers.

Instead of criss-crossing the country to eat two Christmas dinners with two lots of families, they can stay at home and eat bacon and eggs on their own instead, without any driving or traffic chaos.

Almost blissful...

Flipping farmers

WELL, I still think Matt Baker should have won.

But I keep looking at other farmers’ sons I know and trying to imagine them elegantly dancing and back-flipping across my screen.

Tricky, really, in muck-covered overalls, ancient Barbours and industrial wellies...

Not such a hero now, Sean

ACTOR Sean Bean is getting divorced for the fourth time.

There comes a point when edgy and sexy and dangerous just becomes sad.

A PACKET arrived re-packaged from Royal Mail. “Item damaged before arrival in UK,” it said in large letters. “We are sorry that the enclosed item sent from abroad was received damaged at the point of entry into the UK.”

It was a haggis. From Scotland. Definitely an alien invader...

And a merry Christmas to you all...

I’m crossing my fingers that my sons will get home through the snow and ice. I hope all your family will be safe and warm, that your presents arrive in time and that you all have just the sort of Christmas you want best.

Now I’m off to make some mince pies. Happy Christmas!

Backchat

Community payback

Hi Sharon,

HOW I agree with you that life could have been made so much easier by using those on benefits to clear icy paths during the recent spell of bad weather, but as you say the usual excuses would have reared their ugly heads as to why this couldn’t be possible. So why hasn’t the ready-made resource of those on Community Service been used to do this? After all, this is what this service is all about: community payback.

Thelma Johnson, Darlington

Dear Sharon,

I DO hope we are not going to stop sending Christmas cards.

For many people they are a real link to other people and often the most important way in which they can share in Christmas. While most of us might just read them quickly before putting them on display, for many lonely and isolated people, they are very important.

Above all, I would like to remind you of Amnesty UK’s greeting card campaign encouraging us to send a card with a friendly greeting or message of solidarity to someone who is in danger or unjustly imprisoned.

Former Beirut hostage Terry Waite has said how much it meant to him when in captivity he received a postcard of John Bunyan. Not only was it inspirational, but it cheered him up to know that people in the outside world were thinking of him.

Every card matters. Your cards give strength and hope to their recipients, and send a message to police, prison staff and political authorities that the world is watching what they are doing.

Kate Martin, by email.