PARAMEDICS will be unable to enter the homes of dying heart attack victims who have left a cigarette burning and district nurses will refuse to tend housebound elderly smokers.

Smokers living on boats will be forced to sail them outside Britain's territorial waters and car passengers will be able to order the driver to put his cigarette out.

A priest who carries burning incense through his church could be guilty of "smoking" and the humble marshmallow or honey herbal cigarette is also under threat.

And Britain's aristocrats will be banned from smoking at home to protect their staff.

Is this really what will happen if the Health Bill passes into law?

It is if you believe a group of peers planning to ambush the Bill when it reaches the House of Lords next month.

In February, MPs overwhelmingly threw out proposals to exempt pubs that do not serve food and members-only clubs from a smoking ban in all public places from summer next year.

But the battle is not won yet, because the Lords has yet to have its say. Yesterday, peers had their first chance in a grand committee.

At issue is the Government's plan to decide many details of the ban through "regulations", which may not be revealed until the Bill has received the Queen's signature.

A measure to allow public consultation, say ministers - a stalking horse masking dastardly plans to attack the poor old smoker in his own home, car and boat, say opponents.

Tory peer Lord Naseby said: "If you have ever been to a stately home, then you will know you have to employ staff, so they will have to be smokefree."

Independent Labour peer Lord Stoddart said: "If someone has a heart attack, are paramedics going to be prevented from going in if a cigarette is smoking in the ashtray? Are car passengers going to say to the driver 'Sorry you can't smoke. The law says I shouldn't be in a car where you are smoking'?"

Tory health spokesman Earl Howe said: "A priest who lights incense and takes it through the church for the congregation to smell may actually be guilty of smoking."

There could be four more sessions of this before amendments are voted on next month.