HOW times have changed on the sports desk... The conversation used to be rather limited. They were in their own testosterone-charged little world of fixtures, tactics, injury scares and transfer speculation.

But a baby boom has put a stop to that. I don't know what they've been putting in their tea but, all of a sudden, the sports desk lads have produced a brace of Joes, a Tom, and a Cyd (as in Charisse).

From being a reasonably fresh-faced, youthful bunch, they all look like death warmed up, with ashen complexions, dark rings under their eyes and sick stains on their shoulders.

They've gone from shin pads to breast pads overnight. And instead of groin strains, pulled hamstrings and fractured metatarsals, they groan on and on about nappy rash, teething troubles and wind problems:

"Have you tried that gripe water?"

"Yeah. Waste of time. Calpol's magic though..."

Instead of the FA Cup or the Carling Cup, I've overheard snatches of conversation about the clever design of the Tommy Tippee non-spill cup:

"I'll tell you what, they're brilliant, them Tommy Tippee cups - don't half save your carpet." Once, they would have marvelled at how far a player could launch a ball from a throw-in. You know the kind of thing - Gary Neville's throw-ins are as good as corners because he can reach the penalty box.

But the other day, one of our football writers was overheard to say with pride: "I'm not joking - our baby can chuck one of his strawberry desserts right across the kitchen from his high-chair. It's phenomenal."

The bit that really makes me smile to myself - as a veteran dad - is the way the sports desk lads go on about early-morning television.

They compare notes on what they've watched after being woken at some Godforsaken hour while their wives have a lie-in.

Paul, chief football writer and doting father of the latest Joe, reckons he's up at 6.30am. A typical morning involves watching either Balamory on CBeebies or Dora the Explorer on Nick Junior.

After that, and after some of Joe's breakfast has been thrown across the room, the moment the little lad looks forward to the most - The Early Worms, otherwise known as Arnie and Barney.

"Arnie and Barney are out of this world," Paul pronounced to his colleagues in the way he might previously have declared his admiration for goal-scoring partnerships such as Rooney and Van Nistelrooy, or Shearer and Owen.

Arnie and Barney are, apparently, puppet worms who play a blinder by keeping Joe quiet while his dad tries to regain full consciousness for the day ahead. And at 8.27 every morning - football reporters always make a note of the time of key moments - Arnie and Barney introduce Fifi and the Flowertots to sing The Wiggle Song.

"A smile comes across his little face and he wiggles away in his high-chair to the music - it's dead catchy," gushed Paul.

So there we have it. Forget 'You'll Never Walk Alone', 'Three Lions' or 'You Only Sing When You're Winning'. It's The Wiggle Song that's the biggest hit with our chief football writer.

He won't admit to having a little wiggle himself - but we bet he does.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

JANETTE Murdoch, of Bishop Wearmouth Inner Wheel, told how her new grand-daughter, Isabel, was only three days old and suffering from jaundice when she was visited in hospital by her auntie and little cousin George.

"She's a much better colour today," her auntie told Isabel's mum.

"What colour will she be tomorrow?" asked George.

YEARS ago, Joan Walton, also of Bishop Wearmouth Inner Wheel, was enjoying a stroll in the park with her children Heather and Howard when a man passed by, walking a dog with very tight skin.

Howard leaned forward out of his pushchair and shouted up to his mum: "Why has that dog got onions hanging down under its tail?"

KATHLEEN Goldsborough, of Seaburn Inner Wheel, was on the telephone to her three-year-old grandson Ben who lives in Australia.

"How have you been?" asked Kathleen.

"I've had a beetle," replied Ben.

"You've had a beetle? I don't understand - what do you mean?"

Then she heard his mum in the background, shouting: "He's had a bug."

* Don't forget: the latest book in the series, Dad At Large 3 - Whose Paper Round Is It Anyway?, is on sale at Northern Echo offices. It costs £5 and raises money for the Butterwick Children's Hospice. Dad At Large 2 can also be purchased at the special Christmas price of £2.

Published: 01/12/2005