On TV

Fatal Attraction (C4)

WHO in their right mind would want to walk the 874 miles from Land's End to John O'Groats in the altogether? If the brass monkeys British weather didn't get you, then the locals would. During the journey, ex-marine Steve Gough was arrested several times, girlfriend Melanie was called "a dirty slut" and the film-maker himself (fully clothed as far as I could make out) ran for half a mile chased by an angry woman. And I still cross my legs every time the image returns of a nude Steve straddling a barbed wire fence, his bits and pieces dangling precariously close to the razor-sharp wire.

Steve was the main focus of the film, although we never did discover if he was a loveable eccentric or simply had a naked ambition to change the world. Geoff, whom he picked up en route, certainly did, feeling the world would be a more loving place if people stripped off. Those who enjoy the sight of a wobbly bottom, perky penis or bouncy breast would have been in their element as the cameras stalked naked ramblers Steve and Mel on their journey. A month after meeting Steve, Mel abandoned her hairdressing job to join him on his walk. She said she noticed "his aura", which isn't the first thing people would look at when confronted by a nude man. But there were tears when Steve met up with an old girlfriend and suggested a threesome.

It was surprising, considering the British reputation for keeping themselves to themselves, that the pair met with so little resistance strolling naked through towns, supermarkets and pubs. Some people objected, usually on the grounds that nudity would offend small children, although the way most people look without clothes is a powerful argument for remaining covered.

Mourners at a funeral cheered up no end when confronted by Steve's exposed dangly bits. The police were less friendly, causing one onlooker to note: "We can have our house burgled and you don't see a policeman for miles." Another scare came when Mel thought she was pregnant. Clearly Steve didn't wear anything on that occasion either.

Fatal Attraction recounted stories of people stalked by former bedmates. Cars were covered in paint stripper and accusations of rape made by spurned one night stands. I was left feeling that those who'd been harassed deserved it - like married Steven who had a one night stand with a friend of his and his wife's. "She came into the room totally naked, sat on top of me and I weakly gave in," was his excuse.

Then there was Sylvia, who advertises for bedmates on a casual sex website. "Strangers and sex isn't probably the best situation," she confessed. It was good to know she had standards and won't have sex with someone she's not attracted to. "Unless I'm really drunk," she added.

Jerusalem, West Yorkshire Playhouse, Leeds

POET Simon Armitage's lively new play is an engaging everyday tale of Yorkshire folk.The return of the town of Jerusalem's ex-policeman, Spoon, coincides with the post of the local club's social secretary falling vacant. He wants the job as well as the wife of his rival for the position, John Edward Castle, the bedridden ex-fireman and voice of local station Radio Castle.

He has his own problems as his son Wesley is expected to follow his father and his father's father up the fireman's ladder, but is more interested in fishing than firefighting. It's an emotional time, underlined by giving each character what Armitage calls a classic or cult pop song to sing at life-changing moments. Joseph Alessi's narrator guides us through the traumas as the election is held, fittingly enough considering the emotional fireworks, on November 5. The enjoyable production has seven actors slipping in and out of different characters to represent the entire village bustling with life and drama on Laura Hopkins' set that moves people and places around on a system of tracks. The clever staging helps disguise that underneath all the fancy language and hysterics, the story is a soapy one we've seen many times before. But I was carried along by good teamwork from Alessi and the rest of the cast - George Layton, Geoff Leesley, Brigit Forsyth, Lee Warburton, Simeon Truby and Ruth Alexander-Rubin.

* Runs until Saturday. Tickets 0113-213 7700.

Steve Pratt

The Vagina Monologues, Darlington Civic Theatre

SINCE the very first performance in 1996, Vagina Monologues has been performed and published in 25 countries, including China and Bulgaria. Like BBC Radio 2, it's different every time. It consists of three women seated on high stools with a microphone each, recounting stories told by other women all over the world. Old women, young women, lesbians, rape victims, mothers - some of the stories had the mainly female audience nodding in agreement, laughing at the shared experiences. Others provoked a profound silence, waves of shocked and protective feeling reaching out to victims of abuse. The storytellers were Josie D'Arby, known to most as a children's TV presenter, which is what she did while studying at RADA; Alison Newman, best-known as loud-mouthed manager Hazel Bailey in TV's Footballers' Wives, and Linda Robson, who will always be associated with Birds of a Feather. All were excellent in their different ways. I spoke to a few of the dozen or so men who found themselves in the audience; some seemed a bit shell-shocked but most enjoyed the experience. One thought it was about sex; it isn't, although anyone who was impressed by Meg Ryan's fake orgasm in When Harry Met Sally should witness Alison Newman's rip-roaring triple whatever-she-called it, which lasted several minutes and had the audience doubled up with laughter. I shan't give away any of the feminine secrets divulged, but let me just say, fellas, that if your name is Bob, rejoice!

l Runs until Saturday. Box Office (01325) 486555.

Sue Heath