On TV

THERE'S a saying that you should never let the facts get in the way of a good story. It's a sentiment that the makers of this TV movie about Princess Margaret took to heart.

It was clear from the outset this film was going to have its tongue in its cheek and a silver spoon in its mouth, which sounds uncomfortable but which resulted in a right royal romp.

The opening set the tone as the Union Jack flag blew in the wind on screen as the national anthem played on the soundtrack. A caption read: "Some of the following is based on fact. And some isn't".

This seemed the most honest way to go about things. We commoners can never know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about the the long-running royal soap opera. So why not just make some of it up?

Craig Warner's screenplay was a wonderfully sleazy delve into Margaret's sex, drugs and rock'n'roll lifestyle complete with masses of swearing, nudity, bad hair and ropey acting. They'll have been rolling in the aisles at Buckingham Palace at the sheer madness of it all.

Above all, here was a film that never lost its sense of humour. As an angry Antony Armstrong-Jones kicked down the door to the bedroom in which his wife had locked herself, the butler pointed out ever-so-politely: "Sir, that's pastiche mahogany".

The problem appears to have been that Princess Margaret didn't like being a B-list royal. Once her sister became Queen, she slowly sank down the pecking order as others pushed in ahead of her in the queue for the throne.

She loved war hero Peter Townsend and wanted to marry him. The press was even predicting a "fairy tale wedding within months". Alas, she wasn't allowed to marry a divorced man.

There was nothing else to do but smoke, drink and party until the cows came home. What a girl she was - posing as a cockney, going into a pub and ordering "Two pints of ale"; singing at the drop of a top hat in nightclubs; and snogging a woman in front of newsmen.

Nothing fazed her. Confronted with a naked man, she eyed him up and down (but mainly down) and told him, "Don't be shy, darling, I've seen the Queen's jewels before".

Her courtship and marriage to photographer Armstrong-Jones was a tempestuous affair. "I have hidden talents," she told him, dropping to her knees to the sound of trousers being unzipped. I don't think she was going to polish his shoes.

Still, it was good to know that the family was behind her - often with a knife to stab her in the back. The Queen was never seen. She sent Prince Philip to do the dirty work.

"We're here to help," said Prince Philip during one of the many crises prompted by Margaret's unruly, unroyal behaviour. His tone suggested the opposite was true.

Lucy Cohu gamely stripped off, did much effing-and-blinding and put over a showtune well enough but was ultimately defeated by a succession of bad wigs and bad ageing prosthetic make-up.

As the Duke of Edinburgh, Shameless actor David Threfall was, well, shameless. Having playing Prince Charles in the equally trashy Diana: Her True Story TV movie, I can only surmise that his mission is to undermine the monarchy by playing them one-by-one as total twits. I can't wait to see his Princess Anne.