SOAPLAND has witnessed a some pretty strange weddings but the forthcoming marriage of Sharon and Dennis in EastEnders (BBC1) promises a very disturbing sight.

The appearance of the bride's father should prove very interesting because they'll have to raise him from the dead for the happy occasion.

Sharon is insisting that Dirty Den gives her away (well, no-one would pay for her, would they?). She thinks he's run off with another woman., unaware that the three Walford witches, led by ex-crimper Chrissie, banged him over the head and buried the body under the cellar floor of the Queen Vic.

Getting him to the church on time - and not smelling like a rotting corpse - will take all the bride's ingenuity. First, she has to find him. Unaware that Dirty Den is closer than she thinks, she jets off to Spain to track him down.

This upsets Dennis, who demands that Sharon chose between him or her father. Not a good idea, as Sharon promptly calls off the wedding. This is a good idea, it's all very well having family skeletons tumbling out of the closet, but quite another to invite them to the wedding.

Albert Square's star-crossed lovers, Leo and Demi, are on the run with daughter Aleesha. They're better off out of it, if you ask me. Bringing up baby in the Miller household is sure to scar the infant for life.

That's why baby talk between chip shop entrepreneur Ian Beale and partner Jane Collins is worrying. The world doesn't need another little Beale.

Jane decides to test the water by telling Ian she's pregnant and gauging his reaction. As he's had the snip, Ian assumes he's not the daddy. Having to admit it was just a trick to test his feelings leaves Jane on her lonesome following a furious row.

Over in Coronation Street (ITV1), the Baldwin family has to rethink the sleeping arrangements after shock news from the widow of Mike's brother. It turns out that Danny Baldwin isn't Mike's nephew after all, but his son.

Which makes Street newcomer Adam, Danny's little brother. All very confusing, especially as Danny speaks cocker-knee and Adam speaks Scottish. Widow Viv complicates matters by insisting Mike keeps the secret a secret. Fat chance in Soapland. It'll be front page news on the Weatherfield Gazette before the week's out.

At least someone loves Danny. Amy, the latest tug-of-love soap baby, is being pulled in two directions by Tracy and Steve. Devious Tracy set him up on a false abduction charge, so Steve retaliates by winding her up until she thumps him.

A phone call to the police sees Tracy taken away by the men in blue on an assault charge, although I'd give her six months for just getting on my nerves. Children are more trouble than they're worth. Look at Emmerdale (ITV) where the King family are forever arguing, having affairs and spending money. Just like any royal family really.

Vet Max has a row with the king of Kings, his father Tom, and vows to leave. But not before he's had a drink. And another drink. And another. And another. Then Mad Max totters outside, gets into his car and zooms off without noticing Tom standing in the way. As this is the King family, his brothers swing into action, putting a cover-up plan in operation in order to stop drunk driver Max doing time.

If they're not running you down, your child is seducing your boyfriend. Take Kelly Windsor. Everyone else has. She's a girl for whom the word slapper was invented.

When she finds a spare bloke lying around the front room, she has to have him. Poor Dafydd can't believe his luck. First her mother Viv and now Kelly. If only Viv hadn't walked in on daughter and Dafydd at a particularly spicy moment.

Published: 28/05/2005