THE MOST generous gratuity our larger son earned whilst standing waiting at the Scotch Corner Hotel was £10 from an American to whom he had valiantly, if not wholly successfully, tried to explain the rules of cricket. There are tea towels which do it less well, but probably make a better fist of the dishes.

The restaurant manager at the recently opened Copper Dome - the other millennium dome - is American, too. "Do you happen to know the test score?" we asked during a stirring of excitement amid several somnolent summers. "I don't understand that game at all," he said, retired curt and could take a tip elsewhere.

The Copper Dome is part of the former Nevilles Cross Hotel in Durham, where the Beatles are said to have stayed after a hard day's night shift in 1963. Now it's re-named the Nevilles Cross Complex - grating, but nothing to get hung up about.

Once it was essentially English, with shove ha'penny, steak pie, draught milk, coal fire in the middle of the bar. Now the food is said to be Indo-global ("a sumptuous form of fusion cuisine"), the team of interior designers "trans-global" and the chefs specially flown in from all parts, where they'd cooked for the Saudi royal family, the Dalai Lama, assorted Miss Worlds and, says the menu, Sir Geoffrey Boycott.

However greatly it knows its food, clearly the Copper Dome isn't into cricket. Geoffrey Boycott is a knight only in Yorkshire, and in his own imaginings.

Even the unisex toilet is hung with what might best be described as karma sutra style illustrations, not likely to make Neville cross but certainly to bring tears to his eyes. The danger, possibly, is that the loo becomes not so much occupied as otherwise engaged.

However eclectic the influences, however, the menu compilers have feasted on the finest English dictionary. Sauces are said to be "resplendent" the preservation of authentic cooking methods "unequivocally important," marinades enriched, dumplings imbued, lamb chops aromatic and succulent, dips "truly terrific".

It is both totally transformed and wholly different from anything else in our experience and if for no other reason - there are others, of course - abundantly worth the adventure.

We began in the bar, commendably real ale conscious. There's a stained glass window to commemorate the Battle of Nevilles Cross, a font, a pulpit, marble pillars - "reflective" says the menu, "of the awe-inspiring architecture of Durham".

Thence upstairs to the bright burnished Copper Dome, apparently resembling a south Indian temple, greeted by "life size welcome ladies in bronze". They must have awfully small welcome ladies in southern India.

The decor is vivid, arresting, whatever is the opposite of minimalist; the menu's much the same. Even the cutlery was different - "like something prisoners of war used to make from baked bean tins," said The Boss, though we considered that a most fearful calumny.

Sea food dosa, a starter? "Crisp paper thin wraps made from ground rice and lentils, filled with a delicious medley of clams, shrimps, octopus, squid and salmon. Served with traditional south Indian accompaniments of coconut and tomato chutneys, a sprinkling of 'gun powder' and vegetable and lentil potage."

Beans poorial? "Finely sliced green beans cooked with coconut, black mustard seeds and curry leaves served with marinated mushroom and moistened with saffron and coconut gravy."

Among the starters was also "Amritsari fish and chops", reckoned a great favourite around in the Punjab and served with potato wedges lightly sprinkled with peppercorns and paprika. Very lightly indeed.

The Boss ordered "stuffed vegetable idli" - steamed rice and lentil cakes on a bed of...well, you get the picture.

Her sea bass was considered brilliant, full of vibrant and discernible flavours and marinated with mint, coriander and raw mangoes, on a bed of leeks, celery and carrots and with a coconut, onion and tomato gravy.

Our crusted lamb biryani was £10.25 in Durham but maybe £10,000 at the Tate Modern, so state of the art its presentation. The "flaky" pastry, however, was as short as a two word answer.

Most main courses come with little side bowls of lentil stew, fresh vegetables and yoghurt raita, all are "moderately spiced" unless customers ask otherwise.

Puddings were being re-thought, the "kulfi alaska" - an ice cream and pistachio nut concoction - disappointing evidence of why it was wise. Coffee was lukewarm.

We left a couple of bob for the waiters, anyway, and England won by an innings.

l Copper Dome, Nevilles Cross, Durham, 0191-370 9541. Open lunch and dinner, seven days; no smoking in the restaurant. Around £40 for two, without drinks. Unsuitable for wheelchairs.

OUR old friend John Briggs, of whom it may never be said that he has a one track mind, reports from the Old Yard Tapas Bar, in Darlington.

"Lovely moussaka, nice pint, but they played the same Flamenco-type song over and over again. We had to leave before we went mad."

The column had a similar experience last year at Whitworth Hall, Spennymoor, only with Pachelbel's Canon. No one's listening.

A lunchtime visit confirms (a) that they were right about the pint and (b) the needle has now unstuck. Is this a record?

NOW to Huddersfield, where a statue of Harold Wilson now stands guardedly outside the Grade 1 listed railway station and one of Tony Brookes's "Head of Steam" pubs waits, happily, on Platform One.

Rich with railwayana and real ale - Holts, Marston Moor, Highgate Dark Mild, perhaps - it also has the sort of wide-ranging, freshly cooked menu to make a main line railway caterer blush.

A vast "steam special burger" (£3.95) contained just about everything imaginable. Only the chips didn't travel.

Tony, formerly of Legendary Yorkshire Heroes, has several other Heads of Steam, including a well worthwhile bar at Euston. The only disappointment, curiously, is the pub near his headquarters in Newcastle.

EUSTON and Huddersfield Heads of Steam feature among "Britain's 500 Best Pubs", the latest from beer buff Roger Protz (Carlton Books, £16 .99)

It's sub-divided into improbable categories - "organic pubs" like the Blacksmith's at Preston-le-Skerne near Newton Aycliffe, "pubs for cheese" like the Strathmore Arms at Holwick, though that's recently changed hands, "child friendly pubs" like the Buck Inn at Thornton Watlass, near Bedale.

Newcastle pubs have a section of their own, right down the Metro to the Fighting Cocks at Byker and the Magnesia Bank ("excellent food") overlooking the Tyne at North Shields. A very handy guide.

THAT the Grey Horse in Consett isn't included - "Pubs with just about everything" the category might have said - can only be because Roger Protz has never been there. Paul and Rosaleen Conroy's second annual beer festival was held over the weekend - seven from their own Derwentrose Brewery, others like Devil's Water, Burglar Bill and Rhatas from Black Dog in Whitby - and, sadly, we couldn't make it. Festival or no, the Grey Horse is a winner any time.

CASTLE Eden Brewery's victory in Tesco's "Autumn beer challenge" is now confirmed - a 5.5abv job with orange syrup (we'd hinted, remember, about being where the future was) and "a very small amount of spruce bark extract".

So far its unnamed. The other champion, Harviestoun Brewery in Dollar, Scotland, is modestly calling its winner Old Engine Oil.

AND finally...the bairns wondered if we knew what was yellow and flickered.

A banana with a loose connection.