ACTRESS Wendy Craig, who lived on a farm in Yarm while going to school in Darlington, said: "Some parents are worried sick about their little boy, he's six-years-old and hasn't spoken a word in his life. One day, he looks at his breakfast and says, 'can I have a little more sugar on my Corn Flakes?'

"His parents are dumfounded. They shout hysterically, 'you spoke, you said something. Tell us why you've waited all these years?' The little boy shrugs and says, 'well, up to now, everything's been okay'."

MO Mowlam, the MP for Redcar, said: "Doctor, doctor, my little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! The doctor says, 'let's hope that nothing develops'."

DAVID Shayler, the renegade spy from Middlesbrough, said: "There is this Yorkshireman with a very religious wife and eventually his wife dies, so he goes to the undertaker, who asks him what he wants putting on the headstone.

"He thinks about it and says, 'she was thine'. He goes back the next day and the headstone says, 'she was thin'. He says, 'it's got an e on it,' so the undertaker says he'll sort it. He goes back the next day and the headstone says, 'e, she was thin'."

HEART transplant girl Sally Slater, seven, said: "What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? No idea."

STEWART MacFarlane, BBC Radio Cleveland presenter, said: "A very drunk man phones the police station late at night to report that he's written his car off. He says that he lost control speeding, hit two cars, smashed through a garden wall, demolished a greenhouse and ended up in someone's conservatory.

"The police inspector asked, 'where are you, sir?' The drunk hiccups and says, 'yeah, wouldn't you like to know'."

TANNI Grey-Thompson, the Olympic paralympic champion, from Redcar, said: "What's green, lives in a garden and goes boing? A spring onion."

TOM Neal, 11-year-old patron of Redcar charity The Katie Trust, said: "A man walks into a shop, looks around and asks the shop assistant if they have got any rat poison. She says, 'have you tried Boots'. He says, 'I want to poison him, not kick him to death'."

PAUL Daniels, the magician from Middlesbrough, said: "Matthew Kelly is backstage at Stars In Their Eyes to meet the contestants and there is a tall, good-looking, young fellow there with a man in a wheelchair.

"Matthew asks him how he is doing and the man says he is fine. Matthew says, 'have you had an accident?' and the man replies, 'my nephew Simon here and I are glaziers and he was up a ladder when he dropped a sheet of glass and it took my legs off'.

"Matthew says, 'that's terrible, but how good of you to be here and support him'. The man says, 'oh no Matthew, we are here to sing together'. Matthew says, 'really? Who are you going to be'. The man says, 'tonight, Matthew, we are going to be Simon and Halfunkel'."

GREGG Upwards, breakfast show presenter on TFM Radio, said: "David Beckham was talking to Alex Ferguson about why Roy Keane was not at training. Beckham asks, 'where's Roy?' and Alex says, 'he's getting a steroid injection'. David looks fed up and says, 'well, if he's getting a new car, I want one too'."

ROY "Chubby" Brown, the comedian from Middlesbrough, said: "Because of this foot-and-mouth, my wife's pigskin handbag has deteriorated so much it is now a purse."

RICHARD Griffiths, star of BBC's Pie in the Sky and the cult film Withnail and I, said: "Did you hear about the oyster that went to a disco and pulled a mussel?"

TELEVISION botanist and author David Bellamy, who lives in Bedburn, County Durham, said: "Two caterpillars were crawling along a branch when a butterfly flew overhead. One turned to the other and said, 'you'll never catch me up there in one of those things'."

CHILDREN'S writer and author of bestseller Mrs Doubtfire, Anne Fine, who lives in Barnard Castle, said: "What is the difference between a weasel and stoat? A weasel is weasily distinguished, but a stoat is stoatally different."

STOCKTON South MP Dari Taylor gave a true story. She said: "A while back, I went into a chip shop with my friend Fred for a bag of chips. They said, 'we would like two bags of chips, please'. The chip shop owner said, 'a 35, 55 or a 75'. Fred said, 'well, if you're going to count the chips into the bag, you can count me out'. And he stormed out of the shop.

COUNCILLOR John Williams, leader of Darlington Borough Council, said: "A young council officer was leaving the office late one evening when he found the chief executive standing in front of a shredder, with a piece of paper in his hand.

"'Listen,' said the chief executive, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work'. 'Certainly,' said the officer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"'Excellent, excellent!' said the chief executive as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy'.