THERE have been some strange episodes during my time as a dad, but picking up a child at a motorway service station and wrapping him in Christmas paper is the strangest so far.

Let me explain...Jack, aged seven, has a best friend called Luke. Ever since they started school they've been almost inseparable.

Luke was the one who lost a button in the playground a while back. Jack found the button and, somehow, it 'jumped' up his nose, leading to a very eventful hospital visit.

Luke's family recently moved to Lincolnshire, and Jack and Luke have missed each other ever since.

Every year, I have to spend a week in Sussex on business and it's become a tradition that I always bring the kids back a present. When I get home, they have to close their eyes, sit on the settee, feel their presents, and guess what it is. This time, my wife thought it would be a great surprise for Jack if the 'present' I brought back was Luke.

The operation was planned with military precision: I'd leave Sussex at midday, rendezvous with Luke and his parents at Grantham services on the A1 at around 4pm, drive home with the boy, secretly have him gift-wrapped, and deliver him to an unsuspecting Jack.

Nothing ever quite works out to plan, does it? We hadn't accounted for the 22-mile jam on the M11.

Thank goodness for mobile phones. I was able to keep in touch with Luke's mum and finally made it to Grantham, frazzled, just after 8pm.

It was just gone 11pm when we finally got home and Luke was instructed to hide on the car floor and stop giggling.

The kids, apart from the little 'un, had been allowed to stay up late and were awaiting Dad's homecoming with mounting excitement. Within seconds of the hugs and kisses, they were all lined up on the settee, hands outstretched, while Mum smuggled Luke into the kitchen to start wrapping him in left-over Christmas paper.

Christopher, ten, went first and was delighted to unwrap a CD featuring his favourite record - Kung Fu Fighting.

Hannah, eight, was equally delighted with her Beanie Baby Ox.

Mum wasn't to be left out and you've never seen anyone quite so excited by a 50p joke shop pen, featuring a photograph of a man whose pants fall off when he's turned upside down.

Jack, aged seven, was left until last. His eyes were tightly closed as I carried in a huge parcel which was under strict instructions not to move, giggle or breathe.

Jack tentatively felt his present. He jumped as he felt it flinch in response to a poke. He tore at the paper and jumped higher when a hand popped out. He ripped off another few strips and Luke's beaming face emerged from the mess of paper and Sellotape.

Jack didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so he did a bit of both.

"That's the best surprise I've ever had," he said.

There was a short pause before he added: "Did you get me a proper present as well, Dad?"

THE THINGS THEY SAY

AS guest speaker at the President's Night of Crook and District Rotary Club at Headlam Hall, near Darlington, Dad At Large found himself sitting next to "Father At Large" Tony Owens.

We'd met several years back when Father Owens officiated at the funeral in Hartlepool of friend, character, fellow-journalist and much-missed dad Phil Hickey.

Father Owens recalled the time he'd been working in Newcastle, and a dad had asked his son if anything exciting had happened at school.

"Yes," replied the boy, "the beast was in school today."

"The beast?" asked his father.

"Yes, the beast."

The dad grew even more confused when the boy announced the next day that "the beast and the gnome" had been in school.

"The beast and the gnome?" asked his dad.

"Yes, the beast and the gnome."

There was nothing else for it. The dad had to go to school to find out exactly what had been going on.

It was Sister Anne who eventually solved the mystery by explaining that the priest and the nun had been spending time in the school. . .

* "An Evening With Dad At Large" at the Hall Garth Golf And Country Club on May 30 is now sold-out, although names for a reserve list are being taken on (01325) 505240.

Peter Barron will also be signing copies of his new book Dad At Large 2 - To Vasectomy And Beyond - at Ottakars in the Cornmill Centre, Darlington, between 1.30pm and 2.30pm on Saturday

June 2.