NOW that the General Election is dead in the water, the newspapers will have to find something else to talk about. I see from last Sunday's that they are already scraping the bottom of the barrel.

For instance, there is renewed controversy about the presence of homosexuals in the armed forces. What we need is not another tedious report about this issue, but Kipling to give us a verse on the subject. As the great man is no longer with us, I thought I would do my best to stand in for him. I call this one Tommy Gay.

"I minced into the NAAFI bar to get a pint of beer,

But Mr Soames, he ups and sez, 'We want no puftas here!'

Straight boozers at the dartboard, they giggled fit to die.

I trolled into the street again and to myself sez I,

It's pufta this and pufta that, and pufta go away,

But it's thank you Mr Soldier when the band begins to play.

The band begins to play my friend and rifle shots ring out:

You'll need us close beside you then, of that there is no doubt.

"I swayed into the barrack room as gaily as could be.

They gave a straight Sar'n't Major room, but 'adn't room for me.

'Get out of here, you nancy boy!' they told me with a grunt,

But when it comes to fighting they'll be glad of me up front.

For it's fairy this and fairy that and 'Fairy wait outside!'

But when there's been a war on, a lot like me 'ave died.

A lot like me 'ave died my friend and glad to give their all,

For we don't prance and ponce about - we serve, we fight, we fall.

"You talk of equal rights for us, and sex equality,

But then you do not like gay guys to fight for their country.

You say we're a distraction, that we desecrate the others,

That what we crave's a naughty kind of action with our brothers.

And it's nancy this and faggot that: 'No entry if you're gay!'

But when the shells begin to burst - you'll want us on that day.

When shells begin to burst, my friend, and bombs begin to fall,

Then you'll be glad of everyone - straights and gays and all."

Another story that caught my eye was about the vicar offering a special service to couples getting divorced. What shall I call this verse? Wine into Water, perhaps.

"Dearly beloved, we are here

To split this incompatible pair.

Love, honour, cherish and obey?

But that was only yesterday.

"The wedding at Cana in Galilee?

Ah now we do things differently,

For secular fashion says we oughta

Change this wine back into water.

"The old Prayer Book used to begin

With marriage the remedy against sin;

But modern brides ride another carriage

Where sin's the remedy for marriage.

"For richer, for poorer, better or worse?

That's rather an inconvenient verse

For those who when the going's rough

Cry out, 'Let's split - I've had enough!'

"So take the rings back, sell the dress,

Put a notice in the press -

Let all the people gaze in wonder

As what God joined church puts asunder".

Peter Mullen is Rector of St Michael's, Cornhill, in the City of London, and Chaplain to the Stock Exchang

Published: Tuesday, June 12, 2001