IN the good old days, before smoothflow beer and mobile phones were invented, the only things which needed launching were ships.

Nowadays everything from books to world heavyweight title fights has to be launched, with a flotilla of PR and marketing people in attendance.

Normally these are very civilised affairs, except where heavyweight boxing is concerned. And when a demented cannibal like Mike Tyson is involved it is an absolute cast-iron certainty that it will be very uncivilised indeed.

A mild scuffle at these boxing launches is all part of the show. But this was not stage-managed. This was Tyson proving he's not fit to be at large.

No sooner did we discover that there was to be a double dose of Tyson v Lewis, with a rematch written into the contract, than it was also revealed that Tyson's latest rape charge could scupper the whole project.

Now, after his latest outrage, the chances must have increased that the Nevada State Athletic Commission will refuse him a licence to fight in Las Vegas, the only place believed capable of staging the richest fight in history.

Money is the only reason to hold this absurd contest, inspired by the strange bloodlust which grips the world. The fact that Tyson is as fat as a pig nine weeks before the scheduled showdown proves he's not bothered about winning, and as he hasn't fought anyone of any significance since biting off part of Evander Holyfield's ear five years ago, he is obviously not fit to grace the same ring as Lewis.

Tyson has squandered the millions he has already made out of the sport and needs the money to keep the taxman off his back. God bless this ship? I don't think so.

ANOTHER launch which attracted headlines for the wrong reasons was that of the Lloyds TSB Six Nations Championship at the Stoke Park Club in Buckinghamshire. Like Clive Woodward, I was invited, and like the England rugby coach I failed to turn up.

It amazes me that the PR people who organise these bun fights think someone from a newspaper in the North-East might consider it worth their time and expense to embark on a 500-mile round trip for an event which is barely newsworthy.

It became newsworthy because neither England nor Wales sent anyone of importance, which was seen as a huge snub to the sponsors.

Considering that Italy and France sent their top brass, it might seem odd that Woodward couldn't travel 20 miles from England's training base.

But I suspect that both he and England captain Martin Johnson are hellbent on winning the Grand Slam, which has slipped from their grasp for the last three seasons, and downing Chardonnay and canapes with bankers, PR people and journalists at a posh club didn't fit into their plans.

Or perhaps they cunningly calculated that they would generate more column inches for the sponsors by staying away.

WHAT a joy to see Shotley Bridge lad Paul Collingwood with the Man of the Match award following the England cricketers' win against India.

Yorkshire's Michael Vaughan also came good and I suspect these two might end up battling for the No 5 spot in the first-choice World Cup line-up next year.

There will be a top four of Trescothick, Knight, Hussain and Thorpe, while Andrew Flintoff and Craig White will hold down the all-rounders' spots at six and seven.

If Alec Stewart comes back into contention, possibly opening instead of Knight, it would leave room for both Collingwood and Vaughan, giving the side even better balance as one provides back-up medium pace and the other back-up spin.

As with football and rugby, England's cricket team is taking shape quite nicely. If only all the key men stayed fit we could become world champions in all three!

WHILE Derby and Leicester are going down, and deservedly so for the disgraceful treatment of their managers, it's good to see Ipswich climbing out of trouble after keeping faith with George Burley.

But it means, of course, that if Middlesbrough are to escape the bottom three it will probably have to be at the expense of Bolton and a 1-1 draw at home to the Wanderers was not good news.

When I suggested light-heartedly in September that a phone call to El Tel might not be far away Boro were leaking goals. They sorted that out impressively enough and climbed the table, but now the problem's at the other end of the field.

While signing Dwight Yorke would help, I suspect much will depend on whether they can get Alen Boksic to perform for the rest of the season.

As he wants to finish his career back home in Croatia, it's possible that he's already grown weary of trying to keep Boro afloat. If so, then they have big problems and can only hope that Bolton's gradual slide from the peak of September continues

Published: 25/01/02