T J Hooker (C5)

THERE'S a lot to say about this 1980s US police series - most of it is bad. I'd forgotten just how dreadful it was, although it does get you wondering what kind of furry animal has made its nest on William Shatner's head. My guess would be a startled squirrel. But only an expedition by David Attenborough into the thicket that is his high rise hairstyle would settle the matter once and for all.

The animal is alarmed, I'm convinced, because of the music that goes thump, thump, thump on the soundtrack throughout the show. Every screeching car, lift door opening, every raised eyebrow is accompanied by headache-inducing music. Within ten minutes I'd taken out a contract on the composer.

Having spent years boldly going somewhere or other in space wearing a shirt that was too tight, Shatner now does the same thing as a policeman. Only this time, his shirt is black. His sidekick is an instantly forgettable actor called... what was his name, I've forgotten (it was Adrian Zmed - whatever happened to him?). Also on hand is Heather Locklear, whose Farrah Fawcett hairstyle indicates she was passing through on the way to an audition for Charlie's Angels.

The crime being committed - apart from the appearance of several acres of mind-blowing 1980s patterned carpet and wallpaper - was a robbery, followed by a siege in a hospital. The hostages included Locklear (in civvies, namely tight jeans and suede boots) and Shatner's ex-wife, a nurse.

And we mustn't forget, no matter how hard we try, the sick girl with the cuddly toy (or perhaps it was Shatner's spare toupe) who needs an operation or faces dying. Her constant grizzling and cries of "I want my mummy" were guaranteed to get you on the criminals' side.

There were numerous shots of Shatner, or someone who looked like him, running while carrying a gun. A difficult feat for a man balancing a small rodent on his head. Or else he stared at people with a blank expression that wouldn't even pass for acting in a dark alley. At least when he was on the move, he couldn't speak.

"I'm hurt real bad," moaned one of the bad guys after he was shot. "Not really bad enough," snarled Hooker. Zmed's sole purpose was to expose his naked chest in the credits. Locklear had a bit more to do. She offered to be searched by one of the bad guys before being allowed to attend the sick girl. She began unbuttoning her blouse, the expression on her face resembling a set blancmange. Her hair showed more emotion.

Now I wonder what animal was hiding in there?