CANCEL all social arrangements. The BBC are screening Audley Harrison and the Davis Cup this weekend. Let's hope they've got a few repeats in reserve because both could be over rather quickly.

It's episode nine of Audley's ten-fight deal with the Beeb, and those professing to be gripped by its dramatic rise to a resounding crescendo are as rare as bearded jockeys.

This time he's fighting a health club owner from St Joseph, Missouri, in the first eight-rounder Audley has faced.

His problem is he's so far down the road to ridicule that he can't win. If it goes the distance it might prove something about his suspect stamina, but he will probably be pilloried for not finishing it earlier. If he does finish it quickly it will just have been another pointless mismatch.

Whatever happens, if Audley is to earn any credibility he needs to stop fighting no-hopers and those seeking a quick buck and climb into the ring with British and Commonwealth champion Danny Williams.

Two years younger at 29, Williams feels he ought to have been much further down the road to recognition and riches by now, which further underlines that Audley has no time to waste.

The trouble is he might never catch Williams, who is also fighting tomorrow.

He could take a big step forward if he wrests the European title away from Turkey's Sinan Samil Sam and will be looking for bigger fish to fry than the former Olympic superheavyweight champion.

THERE are only lightweights, or even feathers, in Britain's Davis Cup team to face Australia's big guns in Sydney.

Tim Henman defied his shoulder problem to win our last match almost single-handedly to earn this World Group tie, but has now been forced to join Greg Rusedski on the sidelines.

As we have no-one else capable of winning a backstreet knockabout in a Sydney suburb, the match seems an utterly futile exercise.

It's peashooters against exocets, yet the signs are it will be a 30,000 sell-out because the Aussies just love the sport of Pom-bashing, as they proved with their unflagging support of the one-sided Ashes series.

I don't suppose they'll flock over here in their thousands when we play them at football shortly.

THREE North-East teams in the Premiership always seemed too good to last. Last season Middlesbrough clung on, this time Sunderland won't and an FA Cup run is no compensation.

I observed when they pegged their season ticket prices that it was a lovely gesture to marvellous fans, but it was also symptomatic of a club standing still.

Sunderland have much better support than Boro, but according to Bob Murray the Teessiders are lucky because his rival chairman, Steve Gibson, can afford to put £20m a year into the club.

Boro's chief executive Keith Lamb tells a different story of good financial management, but he would say that, wouldn't he?

I'm sure the die-hards at the wonderful Stadium of Light would rather have paid a few extra quid to get in this season if it had helped to buy players who could keep them afloat.

There again, they probably wouldn't have voted to buy a fourth goalkeeper.

To score three own goals against Charlton is the stuff of nightmares. It is the fate of a club which, far from tripping the Light fantastic, is floundering in the dark. The only consolation is that luck has a habit of levelling itself out, and after his double misfortune last Saturday Michael Proctor must be due a freak winner.

REMEMBER the aptly-named Vicky Botwright, the girl who tried to make squash sexy by playing in a thong? The garment was banned, but Vicky proved she's still around by reaching the final of the Vassar Open in New York State this week. Now we discover that ladies' bowls is not all long skirts and ankle socks.

Top Irish player Margaret Johnston has refused to play in the Home Internationals because of the use of psychologists and relaxation sessions, during which squad members lie on towels for an hour.

"If I'm going to lie on my back for an hour I expect to be enjoying myself," said Johnston, who has won seven world titles and adds: "I got to the top without all this nonsense."

AREN'T our dithering politicians wonderful? First their 11th-hour awakening to the Zimbabwe problem threatens to wreck the England cricketers' World Cup chances, now they can't make up their minds about an Olympic bid.

I still suspect that by stalling for time most of them are hoping to find more reasons not to bid, but the reverse seems to be happening.

They have discovered that New York is not favourite, because the Winter Games will go to Vancouver so the summer version will come to Europe. Well I hope they do go ahead and bid, so long as it doesn't cost any of us north of the M25 one extra penny in tax.

Published: 07/02/2003