H is for HAIR and HOLIDAYS and HOME ALONE. It is also for HOTEL , as in "You treat this house like a..." which is probably one of those things you always swore you would never say to your children. Ha! That's what being a parent does for you.

HAIR is an easy one. Parents and schools waste so much time and energy on worrying about hair. It's not worth it. Whether it's down to their shoulders, shorn to their skulls, bleached blonde, dyed purple or - as one of the boys' friends once did - with a bright red Pi sign shaved into it, it doesn't matter. Not a bit.

The great thing about hair is that it can be cut and it grows. Save your energies for the important things.

Like leaving your children at home...

By the time children hit their teens, the thought of a family holiday fills them with deep gloom and they absolutely do not want to go with you. If you choose some tropical resort with all-day clubbing, drinking and plenty of girls around, you might persuade them on a family holiday for one more year. But only if you spend the entire two weeks pretending you don't know them.

So there comes a point when parents have to go it alone, and drive off leaving boys in charge of the house.

This requires faith, courage and a blind, deluding optimism. Not to mention good neighbours.

"Feel free to call the police at any time, " I said to ours before we went away .

When you return and the house is still standing, the boys alive and the neighbours still speaking to you, you will feel such a sense of relief that you might not notice other small points of interest around the house.

For a start, they will have had a party. It doesn't matter what you said, what they said, what you demanded or they promised - a house with no parents in is on earth simply to be a party venue. Except they won't call it that. "A few friends came round, " they will say vaguely, as they slide sideways out of the room.

So before you go, here's your checklist

* Warn neighbours

* Remove all booze (Ironing basket is a good hiding place - they'll certainly never look in there)

* Stock kitchen cupboard with cleaning materials and carpet shampoo

* Leave sleeping bags, duvets and old blankets readily available

* Make sure they know how to operate washing machine

* Fill bread bin with sliced white, cupboard with brown sauce and fridge with bacon

* Leave only emergency money. Their idea of vital food shopping is two crates of lager and a few bottles of vodka.

* Lay in stocks of extra strong bin bags

* Pray

The dreadful thing is that when you're away, you can tell immediately which other couples have left teenagers at home. We share that inability to relax, that jumpiness whenever that phone rings, that constant reaching for the mobile, "just to check..."

You end up exchanging horror stories, which makes you realise that maybe your children aren't so bad after all.

My favourite was of a daughter who obeyed all her parents' instructions about not having people in the house, so gave a barbecue in the garden instead. Unfortunately, her parents came home early to find two fire engines in the lane outside their house as the barbecue had set fire to a hedge and burnt down a shed.

We always find the house cold - every window having been opened to let out the smell of cigarettes - and strange clean patches on the carpets. Just don't ask.

The first week away is the worst. You daren't leave the country The second is a bit better. By the time you go away without them for the third time, you can actually begin to relax, enjoy it, feel the real benefits of being able to do what you like without having to think about them.

That, of course, is the time when they are most likely to decide they might just join you again.

Published: 20/02/2003