Knicker-twisting incidents

Imagine, for example, the dreadful miseries being suffered by Catherine Zeta Jones and there seems little reason for poor old Shane Warne to be devastated by missing cricket's World Cup.

Nor is there any need for Sir Bobby Robson to get hot under the collar just because a misguided referee has ruined Newcastle's title chances.

The fact that both have seen a dream shattered in the twilight of their careers pales into insignificance alongside the plight of Catherine and that lovely Michael Douglas.

Sir Bobby was always reluctant to talk up the Magpies' title chances, but the gently billowing bubble has been all but burst, with Arsenal unlikely to slip up now thanks to their diabolical Dutchman engineering the dismissal of Lauren Robert.

The Frenchman may be no angel, but he had just scored a wonderful equaliser and his ill-deserved exit cast Premiership football in its worst light with Denis Bergkamp, who we should long since have ceased to tolerate, getting a fellow professional sent off.

Robson was spot on in suggesting that the referee should have used some common sense in dealing with the situation instead of greatly reducing Newcastle's chances of earning an essential victory.

They still nearly pulled it off, however, and must still be wondering how the aged and normally leaden-footed David Seaman suddenly managed to spring up and tip Craig Bellamy's late effort over the bar. It was enough to raise suspicions of a performance-enhancing substance.

SUCH things are abhorred by Warne, of course. But what on earth was he doing taking a diuretic before a match in the heat of Australia? Diuretics are dehydrating and all professional sportsmen are constantly taking in fluids to avoid that. The Aussies also pay respect to their climate by piling on the sun block.

Warne, whose vanity is as legendary as his bowling, says he took a slimming pill his mum gave him. But he must have known it was a diuretic and considering the trouble the Aussies take to ensure their players know what substances to avoid he surely knew he was taking a risk.

The substance is banned partly because it can act as a masking agent to cover up performance-enhancers, and this is why Warne is under suspicion, especially as he had recovered from injury more quickly than expected.

Whatever the case, he deserves credit for owning up as soon as he got the test result. But at best he has been foolish and as it's not the first time he's muckied his ticket he might remain the only member of Wisden's five cricketers of last century not to be knighted.

IN the light of the astonishingly brave anti-Mugabe stance taken by Zimbabwe cricketers Andy Flower and Henry Olonga, it's easy to dismiss England's players as a bunch of wimps.

But they have my sympathy. They have been bounced from pillar to post by a dithering government and buck-passing cricket boards, and the resultant stirring-up of an already inflamed situation left some of them genuinely frightened.

Who has the right to say that a young father who has been made aware of a death threat should ignore it in order to do his sporting duty for his country? Lots of people take huge risks in the name of sport - like motorcyclists at the Isle of Man's TT races, or anyone going into a boxing ring. But they are individuals who know the risks they are taking and they have the choice. That is not the case in a team game, and while there was an obvious split in the England camp in the end they were bound to stick together under the guidance of their board.

NEWCASTLE fans at the Arsenal match were persuaded to hold up cards spelling out the message "Toon 2008". In the jargon of the marketing people who devised this nonsense, it was intended to flag up the Newcastle and Gateshead bid to be the European city of culture in 2008.

It might help to draw attention to the Geordie culture, but it smacks of football-loving, Broon Ale-swilling parochialism. Nothing wrong with that, you might say, but it will not impress the real culture vultures of Europe.

SO, we can't even beat the Aussies at football now. We have beaten them at rugby this season, however, and hopefully will do so again in the final of the World Cup in Sydney in November.

In contrast to the pampered posers who went through the motions for 45 minutes at Upton Park on Wednesday, the commitment of the England rugby boys in tomorrow's match against France will be little short of frightening.

It is ridiculous that the clash between the top two sides opens the Six Nations Championship, instead of providing the climax, and seeding is planned in future to prevent this happening again.

FOLLOWING my observations about obscenely over-paid footballers, it has been brought to my attention that someone not a million miles from here covered a match the other night wearing a £55 hat over a £25 haircut. Either he's blackmailing Michael Douglas or it must be time I asked for a pay rise.

Published: 20/02/2003