You'd expect a man whose wife has run off with their child and whose father has died suddenly would elicit sympathy from people. But not Barry Evans. The most useless lump in Soapland continues to try our patience in EastEnders (BBC1).

Winning the pancake eating contest in the Vic has gone to his head (and his already-considerable stomach). Since father Roy died - officially from a heart attack but I reckon it was Alfie's nana's singing that was responsiblie - Barry has been beastly to stepmum Big Pat, patron saint of big earrings. He's chucked her out of the house (no mean feat considering her size) and taken every opportunity to pour scorn on the grieving widow in public Bitter Barry is even slagging her off at his father's wake. Perhaps Pat's coffin-shaped earrings were the last straw. His wife Natalie, who was going to run off with Rick-eeee but ran off on her own in the end, returns to pay her last respects (to her marriage as much as to Roy) only to have balmy Barry inform her he intends to fight for custody of their child. Baby Jack is about to join that not-so-elite nursery group of soap toddlers tugged this way and that by arguing parents.

The poor lad, although he's better off than baby Eleanor, currently appearing in a bad remake of Three Men And A Baby round at Paul's house. Dad gets worried when Eleanor develops a cough and sends for his brother, Dr Ant.

Sharon and the irritating Vicki (go back to America, please) continue to climb their family tree by searching for one of Dirty Den's old flames. Considering the way he put it about, this may occupy their attention for some time. The inevitable result will be the arrival in Albert Square of yet another long-lost, troublesome relative. Sharon and Vicki fail to heed the words of Pauline, the soothsayer in a cardie, about the dangers of uncovering family secrets.

In Coronation Street (ITV1), Les Battersby has a run-in with the long arm of the law - which gives him a jolly good thumping. The limb belongs to PC Mike Hopwood, who just happens to be the new boyfriend of Les's estranged wife Janice, a woman who makes a fishwife look posh. The violent fracas between Les and Mike puts Weatherfield's only policewoman and crackshot Emma Watts in a tricky position when asked to make a false statement to cover up for her PC chum.

If I mention the name Peter Barlow, you'll know what's coming. That's right, he still hasn't told fiancee Shelley the barmaid that he's married his other pregnant fiancee Lucy the florist. But he has told Lucy that he hasn't told Shelley although he'd previously told Lucy that he had told Shelley. This storyline is stuck in Groundhog Day with the same 'I'll tell her, I haven't told her' plot being replayed episode after episode. Give me the phone and I'll tell Shelley myself.

More problems for boring witness protection family, the Nelsons. Still, the way they're telling people their secret it won't be long before the hit men arrive on their doorstep. This time, Katy is putting everyone at risk by phoning her friends in Sheffield. Mind you, if that's where they were living before moving to Manchester, they should perhaps have moved a bit further away to ensure nobody recognised them.

Over in Emmerdale (ITV1), Flat Cap Jack and Diane the bewigged Woopack pint-puller try to impress each other over dinner. I suggest he puts on her wig and she dons his cap to put a bit of pep in their sex life.

That delicate subject also occupies the minds of Marlon and Tricia, a couple who, on reflection, couldn't get their IQ into double figures even if they added their individual scores together. They give serious thought to starting a family. Judging by the bump Tricia was displaying they're well past the planning stage.

Viv and Bob's rocky marriage continues to wobble as precariously as Viv on her high heels. Her personality development class ends with Bob storming out in a rage.

Young Debbie continues to try to get to know Charity, the mother who gave her away as a baby. The "lost" daughter of Charity begins at Home Farm with another visit to her natural mother. Emily advises caution, but then she does the same when hubby Paddy puts out the cat. The fact is that Charity wants to get to know her daughter as much as Barry wants to live under the same roof as Big Pat.

Published: 27/03/2003