A letter is on its way to Weatherfield District Council advocating that a strong barrier is erected on the banks of the canal. Far too many residents of Soapland are getting their feet, and other body parts, wet in this dangerous stretch of water.

First, it was demented Don who drove his taxi - and poor Alma - into the canal in Coronation Street (ITV1). Now there's a Hillman, Richard not Imp, heading for a watery grave.

Tricky Dicky, the serial killer of Weatherfield, is back. This is bad news for his missus, Gail the gerbil, and her children Sarah, the schoolgirl mum, and her brother, demonic David. But good news for us as he takes the precaution of gagging some of them before taking them on the road trip of a lifetime - to the bottom of the canal. Those who run Soapland are being secretive about the exact nature of Hillman's demise, claiming to have several endings available. The one certain thing is that he'll meet a suitably nasty end. Perhaps hairdresser mother-in-law Audrey could give him a short back and sides with a hedge trimmer.

Other entertainment in the Street is provided by the splendid Karen McDonald. First, she has another row with Janice in front of a client and then gets caught having dinner with knicker factory boss Joe by her jealous hubby, Steve of the Dancing Eyebrows. The three-in-a-bed (but not at the same time) saga involving Peter Barlow, the unlikely Casanova, drags on and on. He promises, yet again, pregnant fiancee number one Lucy that he'll come clean with fiancee number two Shelley.

In EastEnders (BBC1), the mysterious Kate is rummaging around in Phil Mitchell's freezer. If she wants ice for her gin and tonic, why not just ask? Has her romance with Phil something to do with the re-appearance of dirty Dan Sullivan, would-be hard man and all round plank? Phil, newly-returned from holiday in South Africa, doesn't seem to care one way or another. The will-Natalie-leave-Barry saga rumbles on like an empty stomach craving food. Natalie, who's as decisive as Peter Barlow, decides she doesn't want to stay with husband Barry after seeing him competing in the Queen Vic's pancake-eating competition. There's a snag - car mechanic Ric-kee is having second thoughts (as much as someone as intelligent as a damp cloth can have second thoughts) after ex-wife Sam lures him into bed. Once spiteful sister Janine, who hasn't had much to bitch about of late, discovers his secret, Natalie's life won't be worth living.

A new family arrives in Emmerdale (ITV1), and will hopefully be more interesting thaN that Soapstars lot who made little impact and was booted out before they'd had time to lay the carpet let alone other residents.

The Marsden arrive with a bang as their removal lorry overturns as they move into the village. No doubt, their neighbours the Dingles will help them sort out the mess (and steal most of their belongings into the bargain). Terry and his child bride Dawn attend their final marriage classes, something all prospective soap bride and bridegrooms should be obliged to attend in order to learn how to stay true to each other through high and low ratings. As Dawn's dad Bob fusses around his daughter, his own wife Viv gets terribly jealous. She also falls out with Steph over mother-of-the-bride outfits. As long as she steers clear of the local canal, things should be okay.

Published: 06/03/2003