Love and marriage in Soapland bears no resemblance to the real world where the basis of a long and happy marriage might be love, mutual respect or give and take.

Getting hitched as the result of a bet, though, is not the best way to ensure you'll still be together to celebrate your golden wedding anniversary.

So it should be no surprise in Coronation Street (ITV1) that Steve and Karen McDonald have become the USA and Iraq of Weatherfield - they're at war with each other.

Initial skirmishes (Him: "You're a slapper"/Her: "Get stuffed") have escalated into all-out war with the relationship rocked by fresh revelations next week. The report from the front finds Karen making hubby Steve jealous by going off to a trade fair with her boss Joe Carter.

It's understandable if he wants to get into her knickers. After all, that's the product made at their Underworld factory. He's merely taking a businesslike interest in her underwear.

Alas, Steve of the dancing eyebrows suspects something of a more horizontal nature is taking place between the two when they have to stay over in a hotel for the night.

Any normal man would confront his wife with his suspicions. Not Steve. He heads for a bar to drown his sorrows. The more he drinks the more he pictures Joe and Karen in each other's arms. When an attractive girl chats him up, one thing leads to another - or to be precise, a bit of the other.

Consumed with guilt the next morning, Steve confesses all to Karen when she comes home. Not the wisest move considering her volatile nature. The best advice to offer Steve can be summed up in one word: "Duck".

Kate Nelson, from the boring witness protection family, continues to advertise their whereabouts by contacting her friends in Sheffield. Short of taking out a full page advertisement in the local paper giving their new address, she couldn't do any more to expose them.

Elsewhere, Les Battersby continues to behave badly (no change there), forcing estranged wife Janice to move in with her policeman lover Mick. Walford seems quieter than of late in EastEnders (BBC1) where Dot's charity bingo night at the Queen Vic represents the best of the action. Unless you count Sam cooking dinner for her ex, Ric-kee. We know that she's hoping for more than help with washing the dishes. And no, thick Rick, we don't mean the drying up.

While Spencer plans to wish himself a happy 18th birthday by finding a girl, Peggy and Pauline work on a plan to help the homeless, if hardly helpless, Pat.

No sooner has Roy Evans been buried than Sharon and Vicki go in search of another funeral to attend. Paula Rickman's funeral is taking place which is bad news for her, but good news for them as they might pick up some information about their long-lost brother at the wake.

Charity continues to make friends with Debbie, the daughter she gave away, in Emmerdale (ITV1). The lass returns from a visit wearing an expensive designer coat, a present from a Charity shop. Foster mother Emily is hurt, as well she might be.

Lodger Mack steals from pensioner Edna to pay back Turner - a financial deal more complicated than Leeds United's accounts - and then feels guilty when her help wins him the contract to work on the church roof.

Bob and Viv had fun recreating their first meeting in the shop, while a party at the Marsdens gets out of hand and the police are called.

Published: 03/04/2003