Celebrity Detox Camp (five)

There are some things you never expect to see on the telly. One is an ex-member of Boyzone shoving a tube up his bum, pumping 18 litres of coffee solution inside, and then lying back as the contents of his colon are expelled accompanied by a cacophony of gurgling, spluttering and farting.

I've read - and gone "yuk" - about this place in Thailand where you go to cleanse your body. Seeing what goes on confirmed my feeling that you need to be mad, or a semi-celebrity in search of publicity, to go there.

Boyzone's Keith Duffy was joined in the enema-bound group by comedian Richard Blackwood, socialite Tamara Beckwith and 80s rock star Kim Wilde. I suspect they didn't realise exactly how gruelling the experience would be. It was certainly no picnic, partly because there was no food. They had to fast, drink five sickly concotions a day and self-administer two 18-litre multi-enemas a day.

Only Wilde was properly motivated. The former size eight sex goddess has had two children and feels she's carrying a stone too much. The reasons for the other colonic celebrities participation were mixed. Duffy thought it would be a laugh. Blackwood, a fitness fanatic, presumably believed it would do him good. Beckwith regarded it as another date on her busy social calendar ("just popping out for cocktails and a colonic").

We watched in amazement as the celebs lay down on boards, with a hole positioned over the toilet, to learn the "finer points of anal intrusion". On reflection, I'm surprised they never played this on The Generation Game. I can just imagine Bruce Forsyth telling contestants: "Here's a tube, a bucket and some KY Jelly - you have three minutes to give yourself an enema, starting now...".

Some were shyer than others. Blackwood told the cameraman: "This ain't no porno and you ain't going to film below my chest" as he took his tube and shoved it.

Beckwith made up for the lack of visuals - although sounds made clear what was going on, or rather coming out - by describing events. "It feels like a squishy peach, although I'm sure Richard will call it something else," she said.

Duffy, who arrived a day late for the enema Olympics, thought "it sounds good from here" while enjoying a pint of Guinness in a Dublin bar. He was less enthusastic on reaching his destination. "I'm a bit of a man's man and I'm going to be filmed with a tube up my arse," he reflected.

The hunger left Beckwith feeling lethargic, but not enough to stop her shopping. Duffy and Blackwood went to the firing range. Only Wilde took time to cleanse her mind and spirit as well as her body. She left a stone lighter, feeling refreshed and determined to bring the whole family next year.

Even she drew the line at sieving - collecting and examining the waste products coming out of the colon. Only Blackwood did it. Marbles, crayons and worms have been found previously. Disappointingly, "nothing of major interest" was found among his explusions.

Published: 23/05/2003