THE South Africans, or perhaps more precisely Graeme Smith, are obviously denting a few egos. First Nasser Hussain quit as England captain, now Darren Gough has retired from Test cricket.

The suspicion now is that both should have quit earlier.

They probably thought the tourists were struggling to emerge from the unease of the post-Cronje era and would be a soft touch under their new 22-year-old captain.

Didn't we all? And how wrong Smith has proved us to be. In contrast with the heavy defeat by Australia and the easy wins against Zimbabwe, I was looking forward to this being a competitive series with South Africa putting up a decent fight.

Gough probably thought he could ease himself back into Test cricket and hopefully go on for a couple of years to become only the fourth English bowler to take 300 Test wickets.

But had the selectors seen him bowling for Yorkshire against Durham at Riverside just before the first Test they would have known that the old bounce had gone, the penetration simply wasn't there.

They shouldn't have picked him, but who else is there?

Now they will have to give James Kirtley a chance, but God forbid that they go back to Richard Johnson on the strength of his cheap wickets against Zimbabwe.

He's a fine bowler, but on the strength of his efforts for Somerset at Riverside last week he's even less fit than Gough.

Perhaps had they all been fit the first choice attack would have been Caddick, Hoggard and Jones. But, unlike Makhaya Ntini, all English pacemen break down these days because they haven't put in the miles that Ntini did as a kid, running everywhere because he had no means of transport.

"If my grandfather had been alive he would have slaughtered a cow," was the wonderful quote from Ntini after his ten-wicket match haul at Lord's.

We can't whistle down t'pit for fast bowlers any more, although Ashington lad Stephen Harmison is trying to maintain some semblance of the tradition of which Barnsley-born Gough was also a relic.

He wasn't initially as tough and determined as he might have been, which is why it took him longer than it should have done to reach his peak.

Once there he certainly looked good enough to join Botham, Willis and Trueman in the 300 club. In fact, at his peak, he was probably the best English paceman since Trueman and Statham.

Sadly, he has called a halt on 229 wickets, a few behind Caddick, which is not a fair reflection of their merits.

Now we wait to see if he still has the appetite to help Yorkshire reverse their slide of the last two seasons.

Or will he join Tuffers in milking his celebrity status?

IT was amusing to read that 20 of the world's fastest drivers were nicked for speeding on a Welsh B road between stages of the Rally of Great Britain.

But how pathetic that footballer Dwight Yorke was allowed to escape a similar charge because of a loophole in the law.

Monstrously overpaid people like Yorke, of course, can afford the best lawyers to encourage them in their belief that they are above the law. How I wish someone would slap them down.

THE Sunderland footballers - those who are left - are in for a rude awakening when, after strutting their stuff in Premiership grounds like their own 48,000 capacity Stadium of Light, they start visiting places like the 10,000 capacity Alexandra Stadium at Crewe.

Gillingham and Walsall are little bigger, but at least Sunderland can look forward to a trip to Milton Keynes to play Wimbledon.

This is the real test of character for people like ex-captain Michael Gray, who apparently arrived for training in a new Ferrari on the morning when 70 members of staff were made redundant.

How sickening, not to say boring, it was to hear Kevin Phillips' agent bleating on about how the deal with Southampton was by no means done just because the clubs had agreed a £3m fee.

Perhaps it's just another case of these parasitic agents trying to justify their existence, but if Phillips had any professional pride you'd think he'd jump at the chance to get back in the Premiership.

Considering his goals tally last season it's a chance he's lucky to have.

THIS space has hinted in the past that 19-year-old Teessider Michael Skelton could be the one who finally gives North-East golf fans something to shout about.

Clearly the Walker Cup selectors think so too after choosing him ahead of Penrith's Gary Lockerbie, who beat him 6 and 5 in the English Amateur final.

This might not appear to make sense, but quite often golfers simply have a good week, whereas throughout his impressive development Skelton has consistently proved himself a winner.

Published: 08/08/2003