IT'S bloody hot. If it's good enough for the heir to the throne, then it is good enough for a humble columnist.

And it is - except on the beach at Sunderland on Thursday afternoon where people were wearing jumpers and anoraks.

The British are obsessed by the weather and talking about how hot and sweaty and sticky and humid they are. Here, then, are a few talking points from this week's heatwave:

Asda has reported sales increases this week of 365 per cent in barbecues, 250 per cent in suntan cream, 80 per cent in beer and 62 per cent in paddling pools. B&Q has reported a 300 per cent increase in swimming pool sales. Tesco has sold 15 million lollies this week and has 500 lorries on the road ferrying ice cream about. Safeway says that toothpaste sales have soared 20 per cent this week as people rub it on sunburnt skin.

However, Tesco has reported a 30 per cent increase in sales of flu medicine this week, and Dixons and Currys have sold 100 electric blankets. At the start of the week, Argos removed all summer items like paddling pools from its 525 stores and replaced them with Christmas trees.

English Discovery apples are on sale two weeks earlier than last year. Raspberries will be less sweet than last year because they are ripening faster. Potato prices will shoot up as spuds refuse to grow in the heat; the price of a loaf of bread will rise by 8p and a bottle of olive oil by 30p because of droughts in Europe. The price of chicken and eggs will also rise because millions of birds are boiling to death in their battery farms in southern Europe.

Fish lollies have been fed to penguins, cows blood lollies to tigers and fruit lollies to Sulawesi crested macaque monkeys in British zoos. Pigs have been plastered in suntan lotion.

UK ports have been alerted to the Asian tiger mosquito which will arrive on one of the 12m tyres we import annually from the Far East. It will bring with it the deadly West Nile virus.

British Gas this week advised that you switch on your central heating system because if you leave idle all summer it may breakdown. Imperial College in London advised that you open your windows if you want to stay cool. Victorian sashes are the best. If you open them equally at top and bottom, warm air goes out through the top and cold air comes in at the bottom.

It is St Alexander's Day on Monday - he is the patron saint of charcoal burners. Only three per cent of the charcoal burnt on British barbecues this weekend comes from sustainable sources - the vast majority comes from the rainforests of Asia and Brazil.

The first blanket speed restrictions since the Second World War were imposed on British railways this week, cutting maximum speed from 110mph to 60mph. The Paris to Marseilles service in France, where temperatures have been much hotter, continued to run at 215mph.

However, in both those cities the maximum speed for cars has been cut by about 20mph in a bid to reduce the hideously high ozone levels in the air - a measure not taken in Britain.

And, 54 out of France's 95 departments have water restrictions as do 11 out of Italy's 20 regions. In this country, though, a wet November - when we had 167 per cent more rain than normal - means even in Yorkshire we should see out the heatwave.

Bloody hot it may be, but Britain ain't so bad despite its railways.