We've all been worrying about Chris Tate in Emmerdale (ITV1). He's been zooming around in his wheelchair without due care and attention, so much so it looked as if Soapland's first death by dangerous wheelchair driving would occur.

Now we know why he's been acting like Ironside on a grand prix circuit. The clues to his condition have been as obvious as the beer belly on an eight pints a day man. Chris has been having headaches which, as we all know is either an excuse not to have sex or a sign that you are suffering from an incurable disease known only to the occupants of Soapland.

You don't have to be Carol Vorderman (as if you'd want to be) to put two and two together. The diagnosis is that Chris has a brain tumour. This will come as a surprise to those who didn't think he had a brain, but no one else.

His odd behaviour only serves to drive wife Charity and Cain (the father of the child she gave away but has now reclaimed) into each others' arms.

Life in the Tate household is all the more difficult because of Zoe who, you will remember, is or has been an alcoholic, drug addict, arsonist, lesbian single mother vet. She's beginning to wonder if Scott really did rape her.

One of the few rays of sunshine on the Emmerdale horizon is that Louise the barmaid finds herself a new man. She changes them as often as most people change their underpants. She bashed her stalker boyfriend over the head with a vase at Christmas, then took up with a new-in-the-village married man who'd hardly had time to unpack.

What Katy the former witness protection daughter did next in Coronation Street (ITV1) was dump young Sophie with lovebirds Sarah and Todd so that she can spend the evening canoodling with Martin the nurse who's old enough to be her father.

Les (He's out!) Battersby continues to behave like a cut-price Charles Bronson in Death Wish as he plots revenge on the bent copper - and wife Janice's new lover - who put him inside. The result is another thumping, although the penny finally drops in Janice's silly head that she's shacked up with someone who makes Bad Girls' Jim Fenner look like an angel.

Hayley-who-used-to-be-Harold has another shock. She's come to terms with husband Roy feeling guilty about being date raped by Tracy Preston/Barlow-that-was. Now there's even more shocking news - Tracy is pregnant, and presumably the infant has 666 imprinted on its head. The thought of Roy and Tracy coupling is bad enough. The idea of a mini-Roy is mind-blowing.

Money troubles for Billy Mitchell in EastEnders (BBC1) who's behaving even sillier than usual. Having lost father-in-law Charlie's cash in a scam, Billy decides to help himself from the till at Angie's Den so he can repay the money. Robbing Peter to pay Paul, so to speak, is a recipe for broken legs at the very least.

Walford hard man Phil Mitchell and his Geordie undercover manicurist moll Kate return from sunny climes to find that psycho nanny Joanne has rented out their house. They are forced to move into the Queen Vic, although sharing with the Moons is as appetising as one of Pauline Fowler's roast dinners.

Kelly the former prostitute is furious at Zoe for kissing Ronny, presumably because she didn't charge him enough. And lard bucket Barry, the most boring man in soap, decides he must get fit to keep up with scheming Janine - who wants his money, not his body.

Published: 14/08/2003