'PACK it in, pack it in, we're not playing in the Premiership now," shouted the referee as tempers frayed on the pitch during my ten-year-old's Sunday morning football match.

Even watching from the sidelines, things can get pretty heated in our little local league as over-enthusiastic parents argue passionately over small details - like whether the ball was in or out. At times it's like a miniature battle zone.

So I was astounded to discover that England coach Sven Goran Eriksson and his girlfriend Nancy have set themselves up as the latter-day John and Yoko to help bring about world peace through football. Like a pair of doped-up Sixties hippies, they announced that they want: "people around the world to play football instead of fighting and killing each other." Just for one day, they added modestly. They'll be lucky. Perhaps, if they'd chosen table tennis or tiddly winks, they'd be in with a chance. But football? They've picked the wrong game for a love-in.

Football all too often replicates the sort of tribal divisions that start wars. Didn't Sven himself warn England fans they risk death if they travel to the Euro 2004 qualifier in Turkey next month? And there was pure hatred in the air again on Sunday as my boys watched several millionaire footballers attempting to beat the life out of each other after the Manchester United-Arsenal match.

Hasn't it occurred to Sven and Nancy that if everyone in the world played football for a day, we'd only end up in a much bigger mess.

THE Archbishop of York, Dr David Hope, made a plea this week for an end to the "cacophonous clamour" of our noisy world, with its constant frenetic buzz from computers, TV screens and mobile phones. He urges us all to spend more time in quiet contemplation. Forget Sven and Nancy's Give Peace a Chance. I'm with Dr Hope. Give peace and quiet a chance.

THE Tories are urging women to have more babies to avoid a population crisis. Yet British men are the most willing in the world to have vasectomies, according to a new report. Perhaps this is because parents are finding it hard enough to house, feed and educate the children they already have. Still, a survey in Newcastle found 40 per cent of female students admit to having unprotected sex after drinking too much. So there is hope.

CADBURY has decided to call a halt to the intrepid adventures of the Milk Tray action hero because it says the macho man and his grand romantic gestures have lost their appeal. I don't think so. It's just that we have much more expensive, sophisticated tastes now. And if a man leaped from a moving train, jumped from a helicopter and plunged from a speedboat we'd expect him to leave us something more exciting than a cheap box of chocolates he picked up at Asda. Hand made Belgian chocolate truffles with fresh cream at the very least.

AT the cinema last week, we noticed they now serve speciality teas, like Earl Grey and peppermint. "Does this mean you now serve nice coffees too?" we asked the man, remembering the usual disgusting slush we've been served in the past. "Indeed we do," he beamed. "What do you have?" I asked. "Black or white," he replied.