'IT'S terrible when you've lost the plot," announced my wife as she woke up to seek a progress report on a programme she dubbed Sparking Arsenic. "Don't you mean Sparkling Cyanide (ITV1, Sunday)?" I replied helpfully.

"Oh, what does it matter, it's all pretty poisonous. All I know is that I fell asleep and missed one of the murders," responded the woman who put the who into whodunnit. Basically, she was lucky. Those slumbering through the updating of Agatha Christie's book, starring Pauline Collins and Oliver Ford Davies, completely missed out on a clueless waste of two hours. In fact the only mildly amusing aspect was that one of the victims was a football club-owning, self-made millionaire called George. Now I wonder where he came from?

Saturday was definitely the day the North-East shone. Boxer Sheldon Jopling from Scarborough, footballer and karate player Ashley Scott from Gateshead and Northumberland's double heptathlete (she does the lot) Kelly Rodwell all qualified for the next stage of Born To Win (BBC1) as the Beeb stages a junior version of Superstars - which just happens to be returning on Thursday. My wife was a little worried about the elimination of footballer Kye Davies. "It's a shame because he'd already escaped from the Hair Bear Bunch," she said about Kye's incredible bush-shaped barnet. But there were more throwbacks to 1960s cartoon characters as Simon Cowell begins to display an increasing dislike for Newcastle's ever-ready battery boys Ant and Dec in Pop Idol (ITV1). "Go and see Squiddly and Diddly," he told one of the contestants dismissively, which this week included Middlesbrough's Jamie Tinkler. Insulting the North-East pair, by naming them after a cartoon squid which was once part of The Secret Squirrel Show, stems from Cowell's brutal savaging of each singer being followed by a lengthy "what does he know?" sticking plaster session hosted by the lads. Fortunately the pair couldn't decide which one was Squiddly and nodded with agreement when Cowell added the pair were an example of non-singers with a hit record.

"I can't take much more of this," added the woman who plays Diddly to my Squiddly as I found the remote control button sweeping us into the tuneless wastes of Fame Academy (BBC1). Well it was supposed to be the final, but all I saw was a Smurf-like girl called Alex Parks, with a hair-style borrowed from baby's bathtime, winning with a groaning version of John Lennon's Imagine. North Yorkshire's Alistair Griffin came second.

Fame Academy has attempted to outclass Pop Idol by providing a showcase for young performers who are singer-songwriters and musicians. Meanwhile, the Squiddly and Diddly set are merely seeking someone who can outshine everyone else on stage. Neither route seems promising this year and Pop Idol 2 has just seen the public vote through two women - Michelle, 22, from Glasgow and Kim, 23, of Grimsby - with singing ability as expansive as their waistlines. Last year, the enormous Rik Waller withdrew from the final ten and was replaced by Darius, thus avoiding a public choice between singing might and looking right. "I've always supported you," big singer-hating judge Pete Waterman lied to Kim on Saturday. I think Pete stands a good chance of choking on his champagne come the final.

Published: 11/10/2003