THE Rev Graham Morgan, who almost became a red coat before answering his calling, has produced another joke book packed with religious rib-ticklers.

THE Rev Graham Morgan, the minister for fun, has published his second book of jokes. For holy writ, read holy wit: though this be madness, yet there is Methodism in't.

His favourite's the one about the children lined up for lunch at a Catholic school. At the head of the table, there's a large pile of apples with a notice reading: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

At the other end of the table, there's a large pile of chocolate chip cookies by which there's a note in child-like scrawl. "Take as many as you like," it says, "God's watching the apples."

Laughing matter? "Oh, I very much hope so," says the man whose career path came to a pretty improbable crossroads.

One way led to the Methodist ministry, the other to a red coat's job at Billy Butlin's. "I was just a kid off the streets," he recalls. "There was a call but I didn't know if I was hearing someone else's.

"Butlin's was distinctly possible. I've always enjoyed seeing people laugh, and a red coat's job was quite appealing. The pay was probably the same but the hours in the church were longer."

The merry Morgan is a minister in the north of Darlington. His first joke book sold out - "I still get calls asking me for copies" - raising thousands of pounds for NCH (formerly the National Children's Homes), the Methodist children's charity.

Profits from this one, more modestly produced but no less entertaining, will benefit the building fund at Harrowgate Hill Methodist Church.

Some jokes have been passed on by word of mouth, some pinched from the Internet, others remembered from his eight years as a thermal insulation engineer - " a lagger" - though his favourite from those days is unprintable.

Unfit for a Methodist minister to know?

"Unfit for a Methodist minister to repeat," says Graham.

There's the 21st century joke about Jesus and the devil having a computer programming competition - the punchline's "Jesus saves" and with no reference to Alan Shearer scoring from the rebound - and a nice line about God so loved the world that he didn't send a committee.

Maybe the only true story relates to Bishop Philip Brooks, the author of O Little Town of Bethlehem, who when seriously ill, requested that no friends came to see him.

Robert Ingersoll, a famous anti-Christian propagandist, was allowed in immediately, however. "I'm confident of seeing my friends in the next life," said Brooks, "but this may be my last chance to see you."

Though Graham's children frequently groan at his jokes, he says, he's also overheard them retelling them. Many will find his little book equally useful: the perfect stocking filler.

* An A-Z of Laughter is available from the Rev Graham Morgan, 20 Peterhouse Close, Darlington DL1 2YU for £2.50 plus stamped addressed envelope.

Holy wit...five of Graham Morgan's favourite jokes:

* A LITTLE child in church for the first time watches the ushers passing round the collection plate. "Don't pay for me, daddy," urges the youngster, "I'm still under five."

* A CAT dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, he's met by God who announces that, as a reward for virtue, he can have anything he wants.

The cat says he's lived with a poor family and always slept on the floor. At once, a downy pillow appears and the cat makes himself comfortable.

A few days later, six mice are killed in an accident. God makes them the same generous offer.

The mice say they've spent all their lives on the run from cats, dogs and women with brooms and would like to run no more. Immediately each is fitted with a tiny pair of roller skates.

A week later, God decides to see how the cat's getting on. "Never been so happy in my life," says the cat, stirring on his pillow, "and those meals on wheels you're sending round are absolutely magnificent."

* TWO boys are walking back from Sunday School. "What do you think about the Satan stuff?" asks one. "Well you know how Santa Claus turned out," answers the other. "It's probably just your dad."

* A METHODIST minister, a boy scout and a computer expert are the only passengers on a plane that the pilot says is going to crash. There are three parachutes between four people.

The pilot announces that he has a wife and three children and takes one.

The computer buff says he's the cleverest man in the world and is universally regarded, grabs a parachute and jumps.

The minister turns to the boy scout with a sad smile. "You are young and I have had a rich life," he says. "You take the remaining parachute and I'll go down with the plane."

"Relax, reverend," says the kid, "the cleverest man in the world just picked up my haversack."

* THE Methodists are trying vainly to persuade a chap to attend morning service. "It's because I don't feel properly dressed," explains the defaulter.

The kindly minister takes him to Top Man and kits him out. When the following Sunday he still doesn't show up, the minister demands an explanation.

"Well I looked so good," says the smart Alec, "that I joined the Church of England instead.

THE concrete ships of recent columns still refuse to be submerged. After a lady at English Heritage expressed interest in the hulk that was on the Scaur beach at Whitby, John Dryden investigated further.

The result is a series of jaunty e-mails between him and the English Heritage lady, copied here, which reveal that the mighty vessel was called the Creteblock.

"They really conjured up some romantic names, didn't they?" muses John. "None of yer Mayflower or Golden Hind for those folk."

The ship, apparently, was brought to Whitby to be part of the harbour blockade should the Germans invade. "Mike will no doubt ask," the e-mail continues, "whether the German high command had discovered Fortune's kippers or why they couldn't get the train from Middlesbrough like normal people."

Mike probably would.

BELATEDLY, conclusively, back to British West Hartlepool, the origin of which had occupied great minds of late. After all the evidence pointed to the late Benny Hill - not Jimmy Edwards, Tony Hancock or one or two other original suspects - Colin Edwards in Spennymoor wrote to Tony Hatch, Hill's composer.

The correct lyric, Hatch confirms, is Fred Clockenlocker from British West Hartlepool. "This is Benny satirizing a 1960s BBC World Service programme when record requests came from the far corners of the original British Empire.

"British West suggests an idyllic Caribbean location. The joke is complete with the addition of Hartlepool, which I'm told is anything but idyllic."

The old place is much changed. The sun may have set on the empire, but it rises again on West Hartlepool.