'I'M not very intelligent, but this programe is insulting the little bit I've got left," raged my wife over a certain part of ITV1's weekend coverage.

Surprisingly, she wasn't on about THAT World Cup winning drop goal - although England's instant army of rugby union fans at Heathrow took a bit of a mauling.

The real target for her wrath was elephantine Eamonn Holmes and crazed Kerry McFadden having less of a ball presenting The Toy Of The Year Show 2003 (ITV1, Sunday).

Hamming Holmes and gurning McFadden failed miserably to demonstrate how even a water bomb filler works as they clearly required a few five-year-olds to demonstrate the attractions of toys on display.

All 100 toys screened were the prize for one lucky viewer as the phonelines buzzed with votes for toy of the year... and what poor, harrassed parent wouldn't want to test Santa's health and safety certificate by asking him for a bumper delivery free of charge.

I wasn't surprised to see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles back in the top five. More relieved really at not having to cowabunga through the crowds to grapple for a Donatello & Co at the toy counter this time.

My own tribe of Ninjas are now teenage-plus and mutating towards the next generation of mobile phones.

They stopped playing with grinning green plastic toys back in the 1980s.

My wife didn't exactly do somersaults over an outdoor trampoline becoming the UK's favourite purchase. "I think we'll need a little more global warming before it's an ideal Christmas present," she said, obviously visualising the effects of muddy feet thwacking on soggy wet canvas.

One garden set to be minus a trampoline from Father C is the Harrogate family home designed by Colin McAllister and Justin Ryan for The Million Pound Property Experiment (BBC2, Wednesday).

Despite warnings from project manager Nigel Leck about economy, the pair used top-notch fixtures and fittings to create a house valued at £375,000-£400,000 by three of the town's estate agents.

Sadly, it was more open revolt than open plan opulence from potential buyers as mums carped about lack of storage cupboards, wardrobes and lack of privacy for parents.

And, strangely, not one person mentioned sending the little dears outside to ping up and down on a trampoline.

Having turned down a "cheeky" bid of £367,000, the lads in search of a million from seven property deals were eventually forced to accept £335,000 and ended up just a thousand in profit.

The horrors of Harrogate taste has probably set the region's reputation for cutting edge design back to the days of Barry Bucknell (those under 30 will need to try the local nursing home for views on 91-year-old Barry's halcyon days of hiding fireplaces behind chipboard).

A childless couple bought the Harrogate property and didn't want to be featured on TV.

As we're approaching the pantomime season, I'm sure Colin and Justin can turn the situation from Cinderella to golden goose.

Published: 29/11/2003