The 100 Greatest Sexy Moments (C4): The Royal (ITV1): THE main pleasure of a programme like The 100 Greatest Sexy Moments is disagreeing with the results.

The narrator keeps insisting "you have voted for..." so-and-so at number whatever, although the chances are that you haven't done anything of the sort. I've yet to meet anyone who's voted in one of these Greatest surveys.

Did, for instance, a same sex kiss between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair in Cruel Intentions merit second place, above Richard Gere getting his tackle out in American Gigolo or Bo Derek running along the beach in slow motion as a perfect "10"?

I think not, although one talking head insisted that men go crazy to see two young, hot women kissing. Make that two young, hot women and one man, and they might go a lot crazier, although the sweat-inducing threesome from Wild Things came, if you'll pardon the expression, much lower down.

The top slot went to Ursula Andress's bikini-ed entrance as the first Bond girl in Dr No - an image of the new, sexy, powerful woman of the Sixties.

The list showed that they don't make them - sexy films, that is - like they used to. Most moments came from older movies, whether it was Sharon Stone crossing her legs in Basic Instinct or Ingrid Pitt as a lesbian vampire. Now, the barrier-breaking stuff comes from TV in series like Queer As Folk and Tipping The Velvet.

More interesting than the list were some of the insights behind the making of the scenes. On screen, Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger sizzled in Nine-And-A-Half Weeks. Off screen, they didn't speak to each other. Later Basinger did talk about her co-star, saying it was like kissing an ashtray.

David Hemmings enthused about the "seriously wonderful breasts" of his Barbarella co-star Jane Fonda, whose anti-gravity striptease was fondly recalled. Director Stephen Frears was amazed when My Beautiful Laundrette was perceived as a ground-breaking gay movie. "I thought it was about economics," he laughed.

Susan Sarandon declared how difficult it was acting topless because "no one hears what you say for the first ten seconds your nipples are out".

Emmanuelle star Sylvia Kristal told of worries doing a sex scene in a train toilet with a non-professional actor, and how she wore three pairs of knickers in case he got carried away.

The programme was a good excuse to show four hours of performers with their private parts hanging out or flopping about - or, as someone said of one film, "a pretentious load of old nonsense, enlivened by sex".

The song played over The Royal's opening credits, Somebody Help Me, was very appropriate as new doctor Jeff Goodwin arrived.

During his first day he was punched, had his car stolen, fell in a pond, was accused of faking his references, was pursued by the police and, worst of all, interrupted surgeon Mr Rose on the golf course.

As he's played by Paul Fox (late of Emmerdale and Coronation Street) who looks about 12, I'm not sure I'd want my life in his hands although St Aidan's nurses seem to want to get their hands on him.

All except Wendy Craig's stern Matron, who seems unaware that her cap makes her look like she's wearing a very large meringue on her head.

Published: 01/12/2003