BUSHTUCKER challenges are a walk in the park compared to tying the knot in Soapland.

This coming week two brides walk down the aisle, hotly pursued by skeletons tumbling out of the cupboard and threatening to trip them up.

Karen McDonald has long dreamt of a big Valentine's Day wedding. She only divorced husband Steve, whom she married for a bet, so she could have the proper celebration she missed on the first occasion.

Her wish is about to come true in Coronation Street (ITV1) if only they can get through the marriage vows before troublesome Tracy opens her big gob to reveal that Steve is the father of her new-born baby Patience.

Tracy would try anybody's patience. She's still not satisfied after date raping Roy Cropper, marrying him and selling the infant for £25,000 to Roy and his sex change partner, Hayley-who-used-to-be-Harold.

No amount of maternal blubbing by Tracy can make anyone like her, except her meddlesome grannie Blanche. The best thing Roy can do is give her the money, take the baby and tell Tracy to push off. Either that or adopt her as well (although, as she's already his wife, there might be legally difficult).

Back at Karen and Steve's wedding, the arrival of Tracy shouting "Steve's the dad" inevitably puts a damper on proceedings. And when she decides she wants little Patience back, the Croppers do a runner hotly pursued by the Barlow clan. Just wait until Ken, Deirdre and Blanche discover Tracy's sold the poor little thing.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield, smarmy Dev still hasn't realised that girlfriend Maya is a psycho, and Maria gets the hump when she realises that Gail the hamster will do anything to stop her precious son Nicky "I'm too sexy for my shirt" Tilsley leaving home. The cage just wouldn't be the same without him.

Steve has an easy time compared to Andy in Emmerdale (ITV1). He's getting married too - to Katie, who's been carrying on with his brother Robert. She even sleeps with him on the day before her marriage, which really is having your wedding cake and eating it.

Robert is the best man (ceremonially not sexually, speaking) and, wouldn't you know it, leaves the ring in his jacket at Katie's place after their night of passion. So he's late for the wedding. What will Katie do next? Ronnie Ferreira is disgusted to find out that Tariq is his half brother in EastEnders (BBC1). The ungrateful wretch, after his secret relative has donated a kidney to keep him alive.

Andy the reformed gangster buys the bookies and promptly sacks Shirley, who decides to visit her son in New Zealand. Nobody will be sorry to see her go, mainly because they didn't realise she was there in the first place. Who didn't cheer when the neighbour from hell made her life a misery and mangled her moggy.

Sharon and Dennis decide to go on holiday together and before you can say I'm A Soap Star... Get Me Out Of Here! they're snogging in the taxi. Don't worry, Dennis is only Sharon's adopted brother so it's not illegal. But it could be hazardous to their health once irritating Vicki blabs their secret passion to Dirty Den.

Published: 12/02/2004