SOAPLAND welcomes back Dirty Den - from Spain rather than a watery grave this time - and before long fists are flying in EastEnders (BBC1).

Clearly his time in the sun has left him panting for action. Most of the week in Albert Square is taken up with the bickering of the two Dennises, who are like the two Ronnies but without the laughs.

Dirty Den has no sooner parked his suitcase than Pauline is in the launderette doing his dirty washing. She informs him that his son Dennis and adopted daughter Sharon are, as they say in the gossip columns, an item. This is good news in one way as it means there's a spare bed in the flat that could be rented out. Dirty Den doesn't see it that way and chooses the Queen Vic as the scene for the fisticuffs.

Round one: Den loses his cool and hurls Dennis across the pub.

Round two: Dennis reacts angrily, referee Sharon intervenes and rings the bell to signal the end of the round - and, as a result, gets punched. It was never like this when the Marquis of Queensbury was around.

Round three: Alfie's in trouble when the plan to sell Andy (from whom he's borrowed a large sum of money) the club is called off by Den.

As for Dennis. Well, in a remarkable display of self-control, he manages to keep his shirt on during the whole episode. But he gets all huffy and, denied access to Sharon by Dirty Den, joins Andy's gang.

Walford's a violent place this week as Juley gets badly beaten which is only to be expected when you start playing with other people's guns.

A punch-up is on the horizon in Coronation Street (ITV1) as Claire spills the beans to Fred about Penny, the woman he's asked to marry him. She's been taking her time giving him an answer, stringing him along while she dallies with Mike Baldwin.

Now Fred squares up to Mike, although Fred's beer belly is so large these days nobody could get within three feet of him.

Martin the nurse is threatened too, by Robbie who thinks he's been making eyes at his boyfriend, Karl the gay nurse. Love over the bedpans, how romantic.

Robbie's got it wrong, It's almost-gay Todd that Karl fancies and wants to turn from the straight and hetero. The fracas leads to Karl being invited to stay with Martin and his schoolgirl lover Kay-ee. Green-eyed Todd gets his Calvins in a twist at the thought of cuddlesome Karl living along the street.

Tricia is dead and gone but not forgotten in Emmerdale (ITV1). The family that received her organs say a big thank you to grieving widower Marlon, who's growing a beard to show how upset he is. I hope nobody received her brain. If they did, that person will be asking for a refund.

The Dingles, who are like the Beverly Hillbillies Clampett family on acid, get their revenge on Scott Windsor and, quite frankly, it couldn't happen to a nicer bloke. He's a rotter. And, oh yes, Charity sells her baby. I'd expect nothing else of the imprisoned, ex-prostitute. Unfortunately for the child, the buyer is Zoe the lesbian ex-vet and former arsonist, alcoholic, drug addict and schizophrenic. Just the type of woman anyone would want to raise their child.

Published: 25/03/2004