Big Brother (C4): THE lunatics have taken over the asylum. After last year's Big Brother was judged by one and all to be boring and tedious, the makers have had to have a radical rethink to boost ratings.

What they've done shows they're as mad as the people they've put inside. These inmates make the girls behind bars in Bad Girls look like model, well-adjusted citizens.

The occupants include several students (well, it keeps them off the streets), someone who lists their occupation as political activist, a gay man who only sleeps with straight men, a camp one, a former asylum seeker, a mortgage adviser who wants to be a glamour model, a man who arrived wearing just a thong and a bow tie, and Stu who has a thing about his hair.

We know - because the publicity people have told the media - there's a also a transvestite in the house. So we can all have a go at guessing the identity.

The housemates are being forced closer together in the hope something will happen by making this year's house a third smaller with just one communal bedroom and not enough beds to go round. If they won't sleep together willingly, the makers have resorted to forcing them together.

The sexual permutations are endless, especially after several of the women admitted to being bi-sexual. Guessing who might sleep with whom - the holy grail of Big Brother - will provide hours of endless speculation.

Of course, these are people you wouldn't want to be shut up with for three minutes let alone three months. Whether you can bear to watch them is another matter.

How much more of Kitten can anyone take? This is the housemate who has admitted to being a teenage prostitute and now describes herself as a political activist. Pain in the bum, more like.

She didn't get her luggage, after a vote among fellow housemates, or a bed as she didn't feel comfortable sharing. Now she's organising a revolution. She can't stand being told what to do but doesn't seem averse to telling other people what to do. As soon as the attention strays away from her, she has to do something to bring back the focus to her.

"I feel I give off a lot of negativity," she confides to Big Brother in the diary room. "I think they find me emotionally draining."

Most of her fellow housemates seem to find thinking emotionally draining.

Watching them grapple with the concept of nominating someone to be denied their luggage was like seeing a class of infant school children tackle the theory of relativity.

Easy to understand is the procedure for getting up in the morning. A nerve-jangling alarm rings until everybody is out of bed. Guess who decided to sleep in? Yes, power player Kitten.

"I feel that this is an emotional, real experience that will change our lives," she declared.

For once we agree. I'm finding it so emotional and so real I may have to change my life - and change channels.

Published: 01/06/2004