THERE'S nothing that folk in Soapland like more than an excuse to let down their hair and have a jolly good knees-ups, especially in Albert Square. So roll up, roll up, for all the fun of the fair as Bridge Street Market celebrates its centenary by setting up a fairground in the Square.

Pretty soon the carnival atmosphere in EastEnders (BBC1) turns to carnage as a huge dragon tower slide collapses leaving residents worried about whether they're heading for the great soap cemetery in the sky.

Spencer, Lynne, Ian Beale and his son Peter are all trapped under the rubble. Bickering Pauline and Dot are stuck inside the Deals On Wheels office and stop arguing long enough about the cake stall to wonder when the whole edifice is going to come toppling down on them. At least old bat Pauline has something fresh to moan about.

Now, we can all draw up a list of Walford residents we'd like to see buried under a ton of rubble. Why aren't the Ferreiras there, for instance?.

The injuries include Spencer with a crushed leg, which will rule out a ballroom dancing career for sure. Lynne appears okay at first but there are concerns for her unborn baby and not just because gormless Gary is the father.

And Peter Beale, the little love, is plucked from the wreckage by Daring Dennis, the hero of the hour. How many women would pay a fortune to be plucked from anywhere by Dennis?. Well, it takes our Den's mind off having to choose between pouty-lipped Sharon and man-mad Zoe.

The tragedy does serve one good purpose, to bring Alfie and Kat together again. All go "aaaah".

Don't expect good service in the Rovers now that a new barmaid has been installed in Coronation Street (ITV1). You've seen her before. Here's a clue: big blonde hair, big cleavage and short skirts. Yes, Liz McDonald is back - bigger, bolder and brassier than before. It'll be worth it just to see Steve and Karen's expression. Their jaws will drop faster than Michelle's knickers on Big Brother.

Another unwelcome return shocks the street. The awful Cilla is back, just as former flame Les and his ex-wife Janice are getting cosy. That thought alone is enough to make anyone queasy. There's worse to come. Les decides on a spot of cross-dressing - as a navel-showing lap dancer - to impress Janice. I'd have thought it was more likely to send her from the room screaming.

Silly Sally is still trying to streamline hubby Kevin's backstreet garage business. This is like promoting your local corner shop as a new branch of Harvey Nicks. Soon she's named Tyrone employee of the month, which isn't a difficult title to win as Kevin only employs two people.

Murder most foul - or should that be fowl? - happens in Emmerdale (ITV1) when Cain slaughters Simple Sam's chucks. He's upset at being accused of being involved in the hit-and-run that put busybody Edna in a hospital bed.

Reformed lesbian Zoe finds that old habits die hard as she ends up swapping saliva with her lawyer Rachel. New boyfriend Scott is alarmed to witness the kiss, then wonders if he could turn it to his advantage by arranging a threesome.

Published: 17/06/2004