I've always had a bit of a soft spot for Nick (I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt) Tilsley - a pit of quicksand at the bottom of the garden. So I can't help but shed a tear as he departs Coronation Street (ITV1) again.

He hasn't been the same since returning from Canada, where he was successfully treated at the Dennis Rickman Rehabilitation Centre for soap characters unable to keep their shirts on.

Young Nick returned with artfully tousled blond hair and the same acting ability that means he was born to play the wooden boy known as Pinocchio.

Since his ex-wife Leanne came back to the street, the jealous cow has been out to separate Nick from his girlfriend Maria. This has proved more difficult that parting him from his shirt.

This week she steps up her plans by inviting the happy (but not for long) couple to her birthday celebrations. Little does clueless Nick realise that Leanne has laid a honey trap. As a result he gets thumped by both Leanne and Maria.

His decision to quit Weatherfield leaves a third female distraught, his mother Gail the hamster. And a distraught hamster is an even more distressing sight that Big Brother's Nadia in a bikini.

Clearly, Nick shouldn't have turned down troubled Todd when he tried to kiss him in the days before he emerged from the closet. Instead of slinking out of the Street, Nick could be walking off in the sunset hand-in-hand with Todd (What a gay day) Grimshaw.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield, pensioner power comes a cropper when the old bags get arrested and are put in the cells. Can't wait for Rita to be given a full body search.

Over in Albert Square, Cuticle Kate tells her secret lover Dirty Den that she thinks their affair is sordid in EastEnders (BBC1). What else would she call it when they go sneaking around having nookie behind his wife's back.

Den comes over all romantic and sends newlyweds Martin and Sonia on honeymoon to Florida. Like the rest of us, he's probably feeling nauseous at the sight of the two lovebirds cooing at each other.

Billy and Minty, the Laurel and Hardy of Walford, try to warn off Sam Mitchell from getting too close to Andy the gangster. Not because he has BO but because he's a nasty character. They fail as dim Sam (no relation to dim sum) accepts Andy's proposal and heads off to the Queen Vic to make an announcement.

There's much marriage talk too in Emmerdale (ITV1) as Sadie offers to organise Tom and Charity's engagement party, which is like asking Lucia Borgia to prepare cocktails. Like Leanne, she'll do anything to break up the couple.

Postman Paul topples off a roof - funny place to look for the letterbox - and is killed. This is bad news for postal deliveries in Emmerdale as well as Carl King, whose fooling around led to the fall. It was an accident but, as this is Soapland, he can't own up and tries to cover up the death, enlisting the entire King clan to help him.

Published: 01/07/2004