IT'S difficult to know which is worse - Silly Sally's business sense or her maternal instincts. She has long been renowned in Soapland for force feeding her daughters fish fingers for breakfast, lunch and tea in Coronation Street (ITV1).

This has had a devastating effect on their young lives, as did Sally playing at being the mother of all stage mothers. Now she's worried about Rosie's gift for maths being neglected at Weatherfield Comprehensive School which, as we all know, is the North's answer to Eton.

Sleuthing Sally decides to investigate the school for herself, probably to check that fish fingers are on the menu. What she finds is horrifying - one teacher talking on his mobile phone to his wife instead of lavishing praise on Rosie's knack of doing algebra, which Sally always thought was some sort of continental brassiere. Sally's action is short, sharp and swift. She withdraws her from the school immediately.

Then she returns to sorting out the finances at sometime-husband Kevin's garage. Discovering that Devious Dev doesn't pay for his own car to be serviced as he gives all Streetcars taxi firm's trade to Kevin, Sally tackles Dev. It's not a good moment - his fiancee Mad Maya is smashing up his flat and his friend Sunita has been told she has a brain tumour. Dev reacts by cancelling the whole account on the spot.

You don't have to be Rosie (Pythagoras) Webster to know that means the garage is going to be in dire financial straits. Oh Sally, stick to putting their fish fingers under the grill and leave important decisions to others.

There's also some argy-bargy with the arrival of Cockney Danny's son, Jamie. This isn't some nice family visit. He's trying to escape from being identified as the chap who beat up his stepmother's boyfriend.

A rover returns in Emmerdale (ITV1) - Katie, unkindly referred to by one of my colleagues as the filling in a Sugden sandwich, a reference to sleeping with both her husband and his brother. Now she's back and takes up again with Robert (the one she's not married to).

Much more interesting is the fate of baby Christopher, who's piggy in the middle of a tug-of-war between Zoe and Charity. What a choice - a part-time lesbian or a money-grabbing ex-prostitute as a mum. If the child doesn't grow up into a serial killer, I'll eat my copy of the Radio Times. Zoe isn't going to give him up easily. For one thing, Charity will no doubt insist on calling him Noah, the name she gave him.

You can bet that Zoe will take extreme action. What else would you expect from a lesbian, schizophrenic, druggie arsonist?

Gormless Garry isn't taking the departure of Lynne and her demand for a divorce too well in EastEnders (BBC1). He tries to kill himself with the fumes from a car in a locked garage. Unfortunately he's as good at committing suicide as he is doing an oil change - ie, hopeless.

At least there'll be a doctor in the house as medic Anthony, along with brother Paul, returns for the wedding of Patrick and Yolande. Hands up, anyone who cares?

Published: 15/07/2004