Making Waves (ITV1)

AFTER two episodes, ITV1's new naval series is still struggling to leave dock. It hasn't sunk with all hands yet but this seaborne Soldier Soldier is letting in water fast.

When you're more interested in the locations than the characters, you know something isn't right. Most of my time is spent trying to identify the places in Portsmouth, where I lived for a time, that the film-makers have used.

I should, of course, be more interested in what's happening aboard HMS Suffolk under the command of newly-arrived Martin Brooke. He's a miserable blighter who rarely abandons the pained expression of a man who's smelled something unpleasant.

He's played by Alex Ferns, forever branded in the public consciousness as evil wife-beating Trevor in EastEnders. As yet, he's had little to do but look alternately authoritative and worried as his crew prepare for something called the final assessment - or the ITV network's decision whether to commission another series.

The Jolly Jack Tars under his command are the usual rum bunch of misfits, weirdos and even one who appears to be afraid of the water. This, even the dimmest will realise, is something of a disadvantage when you're a sailor.

In the opening episode, Mickey's refusal to get his hair wet led to the death of a child during the rescue of refugees from a sinking boat. This week he was hailed as a hero and received the ultimate accolade - being interviewed on local radio.

The rest of the crew have been assigned a variety of personal problems, as you'd expect from a series created by Ted Childs, previously executive producer on Soldier Soldier.

The second in command - a woman - is weighing up whether to give up her career and follow her man to New York. The chief engineer's daughter is pregnant and there's even a lovable Scouser (confusingly played by an actor from Hartlepool who's also in the BBC1's new detective series 55 Degrees North).

Things are clearly not all shipshape and Bristol fashion. Even mock exercises fail to convince the commander that things will work out. "We've just been hit by an Exocet," he told the crew after they botched the assignment.

Even a VIP visit by an delegation from the Argentine navy failed to raise the dramatic temperature. All they did was sit around drinking and speaking in funny accents.

There was some watery fun and games in a simulation tank when Mickey did a runner at the thought of getting his feet wet. How observant of a fellow crew member to note that "we can't be sure he can manage a real emergency at sea".

He'd finally been put off the boat by the end of the second episode. I too feel that the time has come to abandon ship and leave HMS Suffolk to weather the storm - or the TV ratings, as it's known in the trade.