AFTER another frantic working day - followed by a dash to Middlesbrough to visit a friend in hospital - my wife and I collapsed in front of the television with an instant Chinese meal to be confronted with Fat Nation - The Big Challenge (BBC1, Thursday).

Having besieged us for years with food glorious food (and wine) programmes, our not always favourite Auntie Beeb has now decided we're all too overweight and need lessons in overcoming our laziness.

"Good grief, I really can't be bothered about all this," groaned my good lady, who has been fighting her own battle with the bulge over six years.

And just to ensure we don't move much from in front of the box, one resident of a Birmingham street chosen to represent the whole country - the ideally-named Margaret Biggar - was given exercises to do while watching TV. Even better, the show's F-Team fitness expert Efua Baker recruited some of the EastEnders cast to help. Sadly, they were the ultra-skinny Ferreira brothers grim and slim but dotty Nana Moon. "So where are all the fat ones like Minty and Pat? I notice they're all keeping their distance," said my own particular F-Team expert. Forget Miss Chiplash, the show's extraordinary bony-looking nutritionist Vicki Edgson, I'll stick with Miss Tongue-Lash of the living room. Surprisingly, my fitness-fighting partner supported the choice of willo-the-wisp Matt Allwright as host after I thought the nine-week series would be better presented by a tubby the tuba type, who would have to lose weight as well, like Eamon Holmes, Terry Wogan or Phill Jupitus.

"He says he's a thin slacker who wants to be fitter. I just wish I had that problem," she observed. Now we've been introduced to the activity of buttock-clenching - an art inspired by recent EastEnders' storylines - TV-watching will never be the same.

Thankfully, we were sitting more comfortably for the battle of the chat show hosts. Friday Night With Jonathan Ross (BBC1, last Friday) opened with the legendary Paul Newman while Parkinson (ITV1, Saturday) responded with Tom Cruise, with both big guns being wheeled out first. In Mr Newman's case, it was probably getting near his bedtime. "It's a shame, he comes across as a little ga-ga and I prefer to remember him as Butch Cassidy," said Miss Tongue-lash, as the star struggled to recall working with James Dean.

Mr Cuise fared a lot worse: "Turn it off, he's a religious nut who's boring me rigid." As the current star of Collaterel won't be critical of anyone or anything in public, particularly his ex-wife, it was left to fellow guest Billy Connolly to provide all the comic insults. Billy, I have to say, is looking a little chubby around the gills these days so might want to include the streets of Birmingham in his next tour.

As many people from the North-East regularly use Manchester Airport, the trailers for Whistleblower (BBC1, Tuesday) about lax security looked frightening. It was disappointing that reporter Michelle Cox had ten minutes worth of material about poor bag searches and faulty detectors spread over an hour. Chewing the fat is always easier than losing it.

Published: 11/09/2004