AN old custom in Soapland dictates that a wedding is attended by the police. A case of here comes the bride, hotly pursued by the men in blue.

Just as day follows night and Cannon follows Ball, the long arm of the soap law is needed to throw the book at someone for assault, murder, kidnap, robbery or, in Coronation Street (ITV1), that increasingly common crime in Soapland - bigamy.

The wedding of Devious Dev, the king of the corner shop, and his girl behind the counter, Sunita, gives new meaning to the phrase Indian Takeaway. For it's new bride Sunita who's taken away by the police at the wedding reception.

She's accused of committing bigamy. Her bridegroom Devious Dev is escorted to the police station too, suspected of marrying to gain legal status. Could his corner shop empire come crumbling down like a tower of corn flake boxes rammed by a runaway wheelchair user?

We all know who's to blame for the imprisonment of the unhappy couple - Mad Maya, the spurned fiancee of Dev who has hatched a plan to spoil the couple's big day and put them behind bars other than the Rovers.

Shelley is getting more stupid by the minute. She begs Charlie, the builder with the big toolbox, to forgive her (again) for thinking he was chatting up Gail the hamster. Anyone would see he'd only gone to change the straw in her cage.

Anyway, Shelley and Charlie agree to make a fresh start (again). This is getting as tedious as Ashley and Claire's engagement woes. Her mother doesn't approve of Ashley as a son-in-law, probably something to do with the way he swings his meat cleaver in the butcher's shop. Now Claire won't move in with Ashley in advance of the wedding (when one or other or even both of them will probably be arrested).

It's so nice to see a mother and daughter doing things together in EastEnders (BBC1), even if it is getting drunk in tandem. Kat's back and following the tradition, set by Angie Watts, of the Vic's landladies getting sozzled on a regular basis.

With her marriage to cheerful Alfie on the rocks (as in vodka on the rocks), Kat hits the bottle and takes daughter Zoe on a bender which takes them from Angie's Bar to the Watts' minibar.

Zoe, distraught at the loss of the bedroom attentions of Dennis the menace, tries her luck on the regulars at the Vic. She even offers to throw in mum Kat as part of a job lot for a cosy threesome.

Demi Miller - whom we would call a schoolgirl mum if she ever went to school - hits on a new scam. She claims her waters have broken and cons unsuspecting locals into giving her money to take a taxi to hospital. When she really does go into labour, no one will believe her.

The soap police are having a busy week. When they're not arresting the happy couple in Weatherfield, they're investigating the beating up of rapist Frank in Emmerdale (ITV1). Syd helps them by confessing and then shopping Scott. So much for friendship.

Chloe puts pen to paper again to write more poison pen letters to split up Carl and Chastity. She plants evidence too - a perfumed-soaked shirt - which pushes Chastity over the edge.

There's only one thing worse than a woman scorned and that's a woman who thinks she's been betrayed by the man she loves. Chloe had better make sure she has a strong lock on the door and that her pet bunny is locked up safely.

Published: 21/10/2004