EVEN before the mistletoe has been put up in Soapland, the residents of Albert Square are kissing and making up. The problem is that little minx Stacey Slater spots the doomed lovers with lips locked in EastEnders (BBC1).

She's been doing her best to break up Zoe and Dennis, which would earn her the undying gratitude of all those women around the country who fancy him. Stacey gets the perfect opportunity when she spots Dennis and his pretend sister Sharon snatching a kiss under an umbrella. All she has to do is tell Zoe and stand back for the explosion.

Zoe isn't the only one upset by the clandestine canoodling. Dirty Den, looking increasingly like Desperate Den these days, doesn't take too kindly to his pouting princess taking up with her pretend brother. His solution is simple: he vows to kill Dennis if he plays around with Sharon. Albert Square is getting more like a Greek tragedy - as opposed to a ratings tragedy - as each week passes.

Stacey, at least, gets her comeuppance and her marching orders from Walford. Trouble is, her mother won't have her back which, considering her bad behaviour, isn't at all surprising. Perhaps she could move in with Yolande who has, carelessly you might think, lost the child send by the fostering agency.

At the Arches, those lost souls Minty and Garry are shocked to find that Ian the chip shop entrepreneur has taken over the garage. Now customers will be asking for "Haddock, chips, and an oil change."

Val, the Geordie troublemaker, returns to Emmerdale (ITV1) with an Italian toy boy in tow. Most people bring back a stick of rock or Kiss Me Quick hat from their holidays, but she has a younger man on her arm. What better way than to ensure you're the centre of attention because, you may recall, she left under a cloud having been disowned by her sister Diane and son Paul.

Reconciled Viv and Bob, as opposed to the less-amusing Vic and Bob, are back from their holidays too. Even before they've unpacked, Viv is furious to discover daughter Donna's romance with Marlon the chef. She won't be happy either than son Scott is back with Dawn, although this is a new Dawn as she lays down strict conditions for his re-entry into her life.

Over in Coronation Street (ITV1), Mar-in the nurse and Kay-tee his schoolgirl lover are having relationship problems. She wants a baby, he doesn't. Can't say I blame him, as he's raised the kids from hell with Gail the hamster. Now he just wants to have a good time without anyone gnawing at his leg. Kay-tee, being mature and adult, goes off and gets drunk when Mar-in says no to a baby (perhaps they could borrow one off Yolande in Albert Square). She ends up snogging Warren Baldwin and, of course, getting caught in mid-kiss by her older lover.

Charlie, the builder with the big toolbox, is livid when he discovers that lover Silly Shelley has been to see her mum Bev (who previously said that Charlie was her darling after he bedded her).

Why does Shelley tolerate Charlie's possessive behaviour, let alone his new short haircut? Anyway, once he discovers that mother and daughter have met, he bullies Shelley into phoning Bev and telling her that she never wants to see her again.

Following last week's outbreak of petty pilfering from the petty cash, it happens again when the Christmas fund at Underworld knicker factory goes missing. A case for Miss Marple, I think.

Published: ??/??/2004