Tom Brown's Schooldays (ITV1); Scream! If You Want To Get Off (ITV1); Down To Earth (BBC1); The Murder Room (BBC1); Agatha Christie's Marple (ITV1): PUPILS at Rugby School get a full education - drinking, smoking, gambling, hunting and shooting are all on the curriculum. No wonder they call them the happiest days of your life.

They even got into the Christmas spirit by roasting chestnuts on an open fire. Hang on a minute, those aren't chestnuts but new boy Tom Brown being dangled perilously close to the flames.

This new adaptation raced through events with a much tougher attitude than the BBC used to serve up in its Sunday teatime classic serials.

Brown's archenemy Flashman was clearly a sadistic psycho who enjoyed hitting boys with his cane, forced himself on matron's young daughter and told Tom that "I have decided I'm going to make your time here a complete and utter misery". He was as good as his word on that count.

New headmaster Dr Arnold (Stephen Fry in serious mode) had his work cut out introducing reforms, opposed by both unruly pupils and fuddy-duddy school governors. He was determined to rule by "pastoral care and Christian love" and to stamp out bullying but wasn't averse to giving Brown a good caning for being rebellious.

There was no Lord Brocket to tell the Rugby boys "Scream! If you want to get off" as he was too busy in a South African game reserve torturing contestants with games involving crocodiles.

I thought we might be in for a treat - and gratuitous brutality - when the first game involved plunging into pools containing 432 crocodiles in order to retrieve markers and win money. "It's too many, it's over the top," said Sarah understandably as she surveyed the hundreds of little snappers through whom she was expected to wade.

After being told that a bite from one of the scaly snappers is equal to the pressure of a Ford Cortina parking on your head, contestants were pleased to learn they'd be wearing protective clothing. "Remember do not step on them. If you do, they'll snap," they were told. And there was always Lord Charlie to assist them with shouts of "Just step over him" and "Nigel, there are two crocs coming up behind you".

The main danger in Down To Earth is the script. Two couples running Silverdale farm have already departed and, as the fifth series opened, pub landlords Denise Welch and Ricky Tomlinson were planning to turn the rundown property into a golf club.

There were problems - a body dragged from the harbour, a gang of motorbike thugs, a daughter determined to become a glamour model and the return of a troublesome sister. Jumping into a pool of crocodiles seemed a better option.

Corpses mounted up as P D James's Adam Dalgleish and Agatha Christie's Miss Marple clashed in a battle of the sleuths. Martin Shaw's poetry-writing Dalgleish in The Murder Room was such a miserable devil that the charred corpse in the burnt-out Jag looked happier.

Much more fun was Geraldine McEwan's triumphant Jane Marple investigating in A Murder Is Announced. These new Marple films have been a treat with a familiar face in every part and a knowing sense of humour without sliding into parody. I hope they make some more.

Published: 03/01/05