PERHAPS it's something in the water, but the female residents of Soapland get pregnant at the drop of a hat, although the more knowledgeable among you will know that it takes more than the removal of headwear to make a baby.

The condom machine in the Queen Vic must be permanently empty as no one ever seems to use protection, unless it's provided by gangster Andy and his henchmen.

So what a surprise in EastEnders (BBC1) that Zoe Slater doesn't have a bun in the oven. She wishes she did because she told boyfriend Dennis she was expecting in a desperate bid to stop him running off with his pretend sister Sharon.

She was put up to it by Dennis's dad Dirty Den. All very clever but even Zoe realises that sometime in the next nine months Dennis will notice she's not with child. There's only so long she can stuff a cushion up her jumper. No problem, you might think. Simply have sex with Dennis, get up the duff and then mutter something about muddling up her dates when the baby arrives "late".

Trouble is, Dennis won't sleep with her. He's keeping his promise not to indulge in unnecessary and gratuitous removal of his shirt or other garments. So she goes looking for a substitute. She tries it on with Jake Moon, only to get caught leading him on by Dennis.

Thank goodness for caring, sharing father Dirty Den. He comes to the rescue and offers to lend a hand - or, more accurately, another part of his body. He sleeps with Zoe who is, you must remember, his son's girlfriend.

Oh what a tangled, and to be honest distasteful, web they weave.

Elsewhere a red G-string causes red faces when it's found in Yolande's washing bag. Launderette ladies Dot and Pauline know it's not hers and jump to the conclusion that her husband Patrick is having an affair. Haven't they thought that maybe he just likes to dress up in women's clothes. Unlike Zoe, schoolgirl Debbie Dingle in Emmerdale (ITV1) has had no problem getting pregnant. Like mother, like daughter as mum Charity was also a gymslip mum. Underage Debbie was forced to split from boyfriend Andy once her violent father Cain found out about their liaison. The schoolgirl's solution to expecting is simple - she pretends it's not happening.

Meanwhile Alan Turner goes on telly in a bid to find out if his fiancee Shelly was murdered.

He suspects his psycho daughter Steph killed her and goes on ITV1's This Morning with Fern and Phil to appeal for information about missing Shelly.

In Coronation Street (ITV1), Roy Cropper wishes bullying builder Vince would go missing. He's making Roy's life hell by eating his own sandwiches in Roy's Rolls. The police and other residents laugh at Roy's concerns, not to mention his cardigan.

Bad boss Ian Davenport continues his pursuit of Silly Sally Webster, his new personal assistant. His ruse of telling her "I love you" failed to get her to fall into his bed, so he tries blackmail along the lines of "Sleep with me or you're sacked". Knowing Sally's social and financial aspirations, sleeping with the boss will come as easily as touch typing.

Published: 06/01/2005