On TV

Coach Trip (C4)

THE BBC schedules are increasingly resembling a very long trailer for Friday's Comic Relief Red Nose Night. Already there's no escape from Comic Relief Does Fame Academy, in which minor celebrities prove they're poor singers. Now comes Comic Relief In Da Bungalow - and not once, but twice nightly at 4.30pm and 6pm.

I'm a great admirer of Dick and Dom, whose brand of slapstick and childishness brightens up Saturday morning TV. But transferring their juvenile comedy to the early evening seems superfluous, even if the aim is to raise money for charity.

Instead of youngsters doing misbehaving, by shouting rude words in public and having food fights, it's ten celebrities having fun. Needless to say, they are not A-listers. But then you'd hardly expect Sean Connery to go into the hallowed halls of London's National Portrait Gallery to shout "bogies".

I kid you not, Dick and Dom are staging Pro-Celebrity Bogies. The aim of the game is to go into a museum, art gallery or some other place where silence is golden and shout the word "bogies" at increasingly loud volume to see how other visitors react.

For openers, Rupert Grint, alias Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter movies, enjoyed bogie nights with Dom, who was described by the commentator as "expressing himself in the style of a gibbering twit".

I couldn't quite make out why Fearne Cotton and Michelle Heaton danced wearing a pair of Y-fronts on their heads. Then poor Fearne was selected - presumably by someone who doesn't like her - to sing YMCA while the other celebs flung food and gunge at her in an item called Mucky-oke.

For these sort-of-famous people, this is the equivalent of a member of the public sitting in a bath of cold baked beans to raise money for Comic Relief.

Some people, I bet, would pay a lot to have the programme taken off the screen. Just as holiday-makers on the daily reality show Coach Trip would hand over large amounts of cash to be allowed to get off the bus.

Seven couples have embarked on a 30-day, 332-mile coach tour of Europe. Tour leader Brendan has the unenviable job of trying to keep the peace. The format ensures that bad feeling is inevitable as, at the end of each day, they vote to send one couple home. If they receive two yellow cards, they have to pack their bags and are replaced by a new couple.

This is turning out to be the holiday from hell. Vegans Rob and Eva were the first couple to get a yellow card. Actress Eva did not take it well, as you could tell by the way her bad language had to be bleeped out.

She bleeped and blubbed, while her travelling companions showed little compassion for upsetting her. "She's an actress, hasn't she been rejected before?," said one caring soul.

The Halle, The Sage Gateshead

THE Halle, Britain's longest established professional orchestra, came to the country's youngest music hall to unleash the splendours of Michael Tippett's scores. The fact that conductor Mark Elder personally knew Tippett gave added resonance to the evening at the Sage Gateshead, which is marking the centenary of the composer's birth with a series of concerts. For those who came early, Elder gave an illuminating talk about the man and his works. The programme opened with Tippett's Second Symphony. Elder ably skirted the hazards through the churning opening movement and in the slow movement, introduced by a delightful combination of trumpet, piano and harp, he had the strings in voluptuous full sail.

Tippett's Concerto for Double String Orchestra had the string forces ranged against each other in a lively display of syncopated phrasing, with the most beautiful of melodies drawn out with expansive string work in the slow movement.

The evening ended on a high note, literally, with Janacek's celebratory Sinfonietta. Opening with a glorious brass fanfare, Elder showcased the hall's acoustic excellence to its full, enfolding the listener with sound and taking the piece to a climax that shook to the core. Elder was called back to stage three times to be showered with cheers and applause. Yet another magical moment for the Sage.

Gavin Engelbrecht

Art, Gala, Durham

BILLED as one of the most successful plays in British theatre history and the biggest ever hit on Broadway, Art comes with great credentials. As if this was not enough, the reason it came to world stages in the first place is because none other than Sean Connery brought it from France. This version, directed by former Peak Practice star Simon Shepherd, who also acts in it, is translated by Christopher Hampton.

The play starts well, with Marc (Russell Boulter of The Bill fame) setting the scene. His friend Serge (Shepherd) has just bought a painting for 2,000 francs which, in his view, is "white sh*t". It's hard to disagree, as the canvass is completely white. As the plot develops, it becomes clear that the brittle, cynical Marc sees Serge's action as a fundamental slight to all that he holds dear, striking at the heart of their friendship. Caught in the middle is a third friend, Yvan, who becomes increasingly emotional as the other two become hardened.

Being dialogue-based, the play is demanding of the three actors who, to their credit, never flag. The main criticism I would make is that the speech is often jarringly lofty and verbose.

Nevertheless, Boulter is likeable as the cocky but insecure Marc and similarly Michael Garner as wet lettuce Yvan. I had less empathy with Shepherd's Serge, who just seemed annoyingly smug.

l Runs until Saturday. Box office 0191-332 4041.

Sarah Foster